I’ll be honest, whenever a work of speculative fiction (fanmade or otherwise) goes out of its way to describe an intelligent species with bizarre and complicated reproductive biology, the first question that invariably pops into my head is: “How do these critters masturbate?”
what if masturbation was uniquely a human experience though
Okay, I know that you meant “what if humans are the only intelligent species that’s anatomically capable of masturbating?”, but now I’m picturing a universe where humans are the only ones that ever thought to try it.
Human masturbation specialists traveling the galaxy to offer our gift, undertaking rigorous study and enormous personal risk to teach weird-ass aliens how to rub one out.
Calculating the exact harmonic frequencies to allow ancient, vacuum-dwelling crystalline intelligences to self-stimulate.
Descending into the crushing atmospheres of gas giants in specially constructed aerostats to design sex toys for the vast, jellyfish-like super-predators that prowl the hurricane slipstreams.
Anyone not married by age 25 gets a spouse assigned to them by the government. You are fine with that: most matches are a success and it’s less effort for you. But it’s your wedding day and you’ve just met your match. You cannot imagine how this was the person they chose for you…..!
… you’re walking down the aisle. It’s dark outside the chapel and your phone is dead. As you approach the altar, you see him- Shia LaBeouf.
WAIT! He isn’t wed, SHIA SURPRISE! There’s a ring in his hand and love in his eyes!
you know those nerds at the haus love their memes but the favorite is the “it is wednesday my dudes” every week someone is bound to say it which is just responded with the entire haus yell screaming in response
it horrifies everyone on campus to suddenly hear a pack of hulking hockey players screaming for no apparent reason
Click hereand add Check, Please! #Hockey to your Goodreads Want to Read list.
We’re only 177 people away from reaching 1,750 Goodreads want-to-reads – which is a magic number in the Check Please Kickstarter to get us three backer points. And we only need seven more to get to the BABY JACK CHARM.
The crowd parts like the red fucking sea and Steve just books it out of there because Bucky on the war path is something he’s seen before and even with Super strength and agility and shit that is NOT something he wants to see again.
sparksoffandommagic 