12+ hours: hell yes. decadence has a name and it is ME. the dream. im marrying my bed you’re invited to the wedding. i might feel groggy and angry for the rest of the day when i actually do get up but WORTH IT.
12+ hours (ALTERNATE): i am deeply clinically depressed and approximately three (3) inches from death at any given moment
11-10 hours: ideal. im functioning at perfect 100% capacity my body and mind are a well oiled machine. im ready to knock out all my errands and chores in under an hour, work a full day and then study that language im trying to learn
9 hours: good! i could have slept longer, but getting up was no great horrifying trauma either
8-7 hours: the “””””medically recommended amount””””” for adults, but in reality more like a “fine, i GUESS” amount. normal mild levels of angst at having to get out of bed
6 hours: silent unceasing internal groaning for at least the first hour after waking. dont expect any kind of quality conversation for the first 2 or so hours. ive got a Less Than Medically Recommended Amount Of Sleep, that means im a martyr right???
5 hours: pretty unpleasant. feels gross. expect a moderate crash during the late afternoon. this is the first number that is considered worthy of entry in a college student sleep-measuring contest. altho if you try to enter with 5 hrs dead-eyed hordes will instantly materialize from the bushes and one-up you “5 hours??? HAHA SWEET SUMMER CHILD. I HAVENT SLEPT IN 3 YEARS”
4 hours: a Very Poor Decision. deep seated, incoherent rage upon waking that persists up to several hours. consume large amounts of your stimulant of choice, but you’ll still feel like a cave troll. constant aftertaste of chemicals and regret
3 hours: half awake half walking in some astral plane haunted by the wails of the newly-dead. children and animals fear the emptiness in your vacant eyes. a very respectable entry to any sleep-measuring contest. you’ll still get beaten by the “2 hour” and “all nighter” people, but everyone knows this is Bad
2 hours: you can get up, but only by rending your soul from your physical body in a paroxysm of agony, since it will refuse to leave the bed. you are now soulless and will feel absolutely zero emotion until sometime in the late afternoon/early evening when your soul returns and ALL the emotions will hit at once, leaving you alternately sobbing or creepily hyena laughing
1 hour: you fool. you imbecile. your hubris and weakness has brought you to this point. they are coming. you cannot escape. why didnt you just stay awake. why didnt you just pull the all-nighter. the strength of your no-sleep headache threatens to stab through your skull like an ice pick. all you can taste is blood. they are comi
0 hours: THIS ACTUALLY ISNT AS BAD. HAHA I’M NOT EVEN THAT TIRED! WATCH ME DOWN 15 MOUNTAIN DEWS IN 15 MINUTES. I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING IN MY EARS ISNT THAT WEIRD. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY EYES ARE BLOODSHOT AND I CANT FOCUS, IM COMPLETELY NORMAL RIGHT NOW. GUYS I CAN HEAR COLORS.
we’re literally floating on a tiny planet in fucking space why are we surrounded by hatred and misery. why can’t everyone just calm the fuck down and lay on some grass. the sun is a GIANT BURNING ORB why does money exist. fuck everything
Requires Fantasy Novel Things (feel free to add more)
– Title contains the words “Wolf/Rose/Sword/Dark/Crown/Throne”
– Unexplained white haired girl
– Evil Queen that is definitely a red head
– The one black haired guy that dresses in all black but his eyes are blue and beautiful
– Special Eyes™
– Someone turns into an animal and exactly one (1) person might question it
– The Blacksmith
– The mysterious hooded woman in the woods (bonus points if she has a fancy stick)
– Barn sex
– The fastest horse in the land that gets shot by an arrow on page 215
– The one soft spoken healer that gives life changing advice and then is never mentioned again
– A truly excessive amount of dead parents
– Everyone is British except for one inexplicable Irish guy
-traveling unreasonable distances by magic and still not having time travel to save aforementioned dead parents
-that one person who calls magic stupid and believes surgery is the next step for man
-dragons in general
-at least one character or place with a Y in the name -The Village Festival is the biggest event of the year -the word “lithe” -the nice innkeeper with their mean spouse -a character unused to hygiene who freaks out about having to wash
– long and arduous road trip to the Place of the Specific Adjective and/or Noun – the Castle Ball where the heroine wears The Dress which is described in great detail – medieval weaponry 101 – the three drinks of fantasy: ale, wine, and fairy wine – there’s always someone with a Napoleon complex – the Moon cycle and the Solstices
– Orphans raised by orphans until the orphans raising the orphans die tragically leaving orphaned orphans.
– Dark Lord of the Evil Darkness. Wears black, hell bent on destroying the world but is really just misunderstood. Often is either strikingly beautiful or has pronounced physical feature such as missing nose, body burnt by lava, pink eye.
– Gambler/Drunkard character with foul mouth but loveable sense of humour. Kind of like that one weird uncle every one has but usually less creepy.
– Hard to acquire mystical artifact, MC must go through trial similar to battling for 50 inch flat screen on Black Friday.
– The orphans grow to adulthood, fall in love, have children of their own. Their children become orphans.
– Ancient prophecy. Must be vague enough to be misinterpreted.
– Cryptic signalling of end times. Fish dying, wolves grow bolder, moon turns blood red, comet in the sky, tv shows that should not be cancelled, are.
– Quiet, brooding guy, has hidden endearing talent such as: knows how to repair vintage horse carriages or plays the lute.
– Sean Bean dies.
-the Powerful Immortal Race will help exactly one (1) time
-the roar of some great beast (may or may not be an actual beast)
-the [blanking] of the [blank] of the [blank]
-the hero of a famous battle that everyone knows about in spite of the lack of news media or efficient means of travel
-magic can’t be used to help the common people because of Reasons™
-The Common People
-bedding down for the night
-The Rest Stop, the only time our heroes get some sleep, someone Wise states the obvious and they receive Unique Items
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