“because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
“SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
“…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
“i’m a little fat girl”
“the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
“and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
“Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”
someone created a random generator that creates randomized inspirational quotes overlaid on random images in a soothing fashion and each and every image is comic gold
it’s pretty much the best thing ever and here are some of my favorites so far
so good
I’m getting this one made into a motivational poster for my home office
PLEASE GO MAKE SOME OF YOUR OWN RIGHT NOW
oh
I love saying ‘fuck me’ because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.
Sweatshirts are probably one of my favorite things in the world, like am I wearing a bra?
Probably not cause I’m a guy, but the mystery is still there, y’know?
William I: the first step to becoming a Millionaire is to acquire one hundred dollars
William II Rufus: I shoudl not be expected to put my knee on the ground to propose to a woman, the same ground where the animals shit,
Henry I: i just left an enormous pile of vomit behind golds gym for all of you abominable pig clowns to pick at #blackfridaydeals
Stephen: turning my headlights off when driving at night,.. so that my Rivals cannot see me
Matilda: Have you ever wanted to click X on a bastard
Henry II: someone please get me in touch with the little boy who died & went to heaven. i want to astral project him into my ex-wifes castle for intel
Richard I: the crusaders fire ballistas into my throbbing diaper- unlesashing a torrent of mustard yellow shit and poisoning the entire village
John: me: nobody has to get owned today. please, please put down the keyboard and step back 9 year old child: Fuck oyu
Henry III: i ruminate over a scrapbook full of middle finger pics to keep myself demure, respectful and humble. “i deserve these”, i utter shitheadedly
Edward I: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned Compilation
Edward II: looks like im forced to address false rumors that i own 3 dildos on a shelf labelled “breakfast” “lunch” & “dinner”. this is an absurdity .
Edward III: AAUh..!! Yeah. Lets all gang up on the guy who gives his children Steroids, just because he has a different opinion. Fucking idiots.
Richard II: i rise; spreading my arms, exuding fluorescent spheres of energy, each representing an Unfollower, Cuasing me a great deal of pain,Screaming
Henry IV: my son has been combing his hair without permission. how do i cope with the pain
Henry V: spend a lot of time thinking about how sometimes even war criminals can be heroes sometimes… Dont like it? Click the unfollow buttobn
Henry VI: ive started bowing my head and saying grace before reading each post on here… “thank you.” “thank you for the posts.” that sort of thing,
Edward IV: really hoping that someday my wife will surprise me by sending me a picture of my own dick
Edward V: my favorite tv show characters are “The good guys”. My least favorite characters are “The villains”
Richard III: I WILL REGRESS INTO PRIMAL FORM AND SHUN MY LOVED ONES IN ORDER TO POWER UP MY CONTENT !! I WILL GET RE-BLOGS AT ANY COST !! AT ANY COST !!
Henry VII: (sniffing a crumpled up one dollar bill i found on the floor of a dog kennel) ah.. thats greenbacks baby
Henry VIII: damn it to piss. my wife replaced all of my anti-wife reading materials with Pro-Wife bullshit
Edward VI: MYTH: my posts are for the Pauper REALITY: my posts are for the Prince
Jane Grey: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask for a single re-tweet in return i am told to fuck off, fuck myself, etc
Mary I: Priest: and the lord said, take this delicious McDonald and eat it, for it is my body and it will be given up, for you Me: Insanley badass.
Elizabeth I: “This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender,” i holler as i overturn my uncle’s barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
James I: ill never rinse my farm fresh vegetables. its the responsibility of the greengrocer to rinse my God damn food and if i get poisoned so be it
Charles I: i can only hope that when a kangaroo court of dipshits comes to haul me to prison that i have the grace and humility not to get mad at them
Oliver Cromwell: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin
Charles II: dont worry ladies, im not one of those”Bros” who talks to girls about sex stuff. anyway, i have an entire bra stuffed in my mouth right now,
James II: please bring your rats to the new castle flea market so I may bless/heal them. ill be sitting in a lawn chair wearing a stolen priest outfit
William III/Mary II: *slams king james holy bible shut on a piece of pepperoni with mayo and onions stickin out * And that is how u make a truth sandwich
Anne: I TAKE BACK EVERY NICE THING I’VE SAID ABOUT GIRLS ON HERE! SHALLOW AND CRUEL! HEART LESS DEVILS! MANIPULATING MY POSTS & TRICKING ME
George I: my work day consists of my bosses trying to goad me into my cubicle so that i’ll just sit in there & jack off isntead of ruining the company
George II: i warnned you all that bad things would happen if you kept letting your wives wear jeans. AND NOW LOOK! the damn gas prices are up again
George III: i enjoy a bit of “Humour” every now and then, but people seriously need to sotp tying me to a chair and injecting me with unknown substances
George IV: i hope to one day eat 10’000 calories a day
William IV: i want to take one of those cruises where people shit right there on the boat but apparently they only happen randomly as a surpris,e
Victoria: i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and Nice manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT
Edward VII: im not horny but, lets face the facts people… if youre a girl im gonna click on ya
George V: people pay good money to stamp your mail. if you refuse to take the time to thoroughly digest every piece of mail you receive, you are a Cur
Edward VIII: Q: If your post was proven by a counsil of wise men to be racist, or bullshit, would you bar it from the record? A: I do not delete my posts
George VI: unfollow me if you hav e ever done or thought about doing war crimes. i dont want war criminals shitting my feed up
Elizabeth II: YOUTUBE VID “GRANDMA FUCKS UP” FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS. TIME TO ROLL OUT THE “GRANDMA FUCKS UP” MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR
my favorite out of context quotes from my archeology professor so far in no particular order
and floridians are just as human as you and me!
and the moral of the story is that there are no deadly snakes native to alaska
you might know this guy as one of the only archaeologists cool enough to be mentioned by indiana jones
it’s my dream to have my name said by harrison ford
i’m not going to apologize for having this class at 6am because you paid for it and it’s your fault.
we don’t all dress like lara croft. i tried to get it to be a thing on a dig and my colleagues yelled at me.
they were pretty good archaeologists except they were too racist to realize anything they found.
i take back what i said about us not dressing like lara croft because lewis binford here is wearing nothing but short shorts and a cowboy hat. take notes for an academic halloween costume!
archaeologists can be good artists! not me, though. or anyone i know. but if you can draw just know you have options.
sometimes you find dead bodies when you dont really expect it and you just have to deal with it
archaeologists are the only people allowed to get exited when they find corpses.
once i ruined thanksgiving dinner when i told my family i had gotten my degree in archaeology and my uncle commented he liked dinosaurs too
the closest i’ve ever been to a grizzly bear is when i left my glasses in my tent on a dig in alaska, saw a big rock in the distance, and almost screamed
additional quotes
ah yes. archaeologists. or, as i love to call us, pottery analysts
i mean he was kind of a good guy for helping us beat britain but he owned slaves so that really cancelled it out.
archaeology is like cultural anthropology, except after you interview the person you turn around and shoot them in the head.
do not use trees! trees are bad! don’t do it!
usually you find shards, but it’s super exciting when you find a really big shard
it’s basically like a waterpark, except you’re fully clothed and walking through a dark tunnel knee deep in muddy water. so, basically splish splash.
i dont believe in curses but my colleagues and i like to encourage the idea of them so people stop touching our stuff
usually, you would find a knife in a kitchen. or underneath your pillow to really freak out your roommate who is a history nerd and has no idea why you would sleep with a knife under your pillow and he’ll get really scared and freaked out and okay i’m getting off topic
no matter what the other scientists say, archaeology is a real science.
don’t worry, i promise you, and whatever government agency that’s spying on me right now, that i’m not a crazy communist trying to overthrow the government
by now you’ve noticed the big “POP QUIZ” written on the board. there isn’t one, but i wanted to see the looks on your face when you saw it. but you’re all dead inside so it’s not really funny.
everything was fine except the citizens of pompeii just woke up dead the next day
the number one question you should ask when you read old archaeology papers is “how the hell do you know?”
nothing pisses off old men more than young people asking “why” and “prove it” so do that as often as possible
this is incredible! all it takes is a computer the size of this room!
even more from the margins of my notebook!
when in doubt, it’s ritualistic
coprolites are the only shit archaeologists get excited over
i know the only reason you’re not laughing at my hilarious jokes is because it’s early
they called it the garbage project. which is also what people call the projects i work on when we apply for funding.
what you have to realize is that people are fundamentally weird. they do weird stuff now and they have done it thousands of years ago.
things come and go but pottery is forever
i dont know if you all know this but moose are terrifying abominations.
and today’s lesson is about the difference between dirt and soil!
please, please, please do not eat old butter you found buried in a bog.
normally i would say this blackboard is a feature because it isn’t portable and can’t be moved but this is a community college so who knows
one of my biggest fears is that this will get so many notes that someone in the class will see it and show it to the professor and he’ll realize half the notes ive been taking in class are jotting down the weird shit he says
You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?…‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.’ First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That’s what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche…or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can’t hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.’ And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding.
David Levithan, Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist (via books-n-quotes)
sparksoffandommagic 