genji: despite all the ‘i need healing’ memes, they’re usually pretty nice. they know the entire team is watching and waiting for them to crash and burn
mccree: either spawn from hell or just here to have a good time (usually the latter). will probably try to say hi at the enemy spawn
pharah: very friendly. will almost never get their ult to go off but won’t be salty about it. thanks healthpacks
reaper: KINKY. either cursed as shit or will say hello to anything and everything. anyone that mains reaper has dreamt of him crushing their head between his monster thighs
solider 76: VANILLA. it’s okay though, most people want to fuck him but can’t explain it
sombra: definitely only here to have a good time since she’s basically useless until the devs give her a monster buff. if the player spams the boop voiceline you will hear that noise in your nightmares forever
tracer: very high chance they’re gay. very high chance one of the enemy team will switch to tracer because they’re annoying
ana: absolute sweethearts who will risk life and her other eye to keep you alive. secretly enjoys watching the person she’s nanoboosted lose their fucking mind trying to make the most of it though
lúcio: again, really sweet. unless they’re on ilios in which case he’s public enemy number one and even if he’s on your team you shoudn’t trust him
mercy: probably picked healer because everyone else picked genji and hanzo. alternatively, a masochist. if the pistol is used a lot they probably mained medic in TF2 and don’t fear god or death
zenyatta: most likely play competitive too much. another top tier picks for gays but they probably have clinical depression
symmetra: [flicking teleporter on and off] welcome to my reality welcome to my reality
reinhardt: in the top three most likely to say hi in spawn. please get behind him
roadhog: this one is skin dependent. normal roadhogs are like your weird uncle but roadhogs with the islander or junkenstein’s monster skin are maniacs and will hook your entire ancestral line across the map
winston: i’ve only ever seen like three. cryptids
zarya: tied with tracer and zenyatta as a pick for gays. a good zarya will take your bullets and shove them back up your ass at mach-1 speed
d.va: the chaotic good of the universe. probably has play of the game before the match has even started
bastion: probably tried to play bastion in competitive once and that was enough. anyone that places him on that elevator thing in hollywood is a scorpio
hanzo: they take skirmish way too seriously
junkrat: THE CHAOTIC EVIL TO D.VA’S CHAOTIC GOOD. the sound of a riptire is actually an effective tactic to kill the enemy team irl because half of them will have a stroke out of stress
torbjörn: lava eating machine. all of them are cursed and i’m personally afraid of him
widowmaker: 57 shots, 1 kill. if they’re using the odile skin they’re probably a straight male
mei: fuck you to hell

transvivienne:

i really cannot get over tracer/emily because emily is this super hot presumably well adjusted gorgeous redheaded white girl wearing knitted crop tops expensive jewelry and designer scarves and all this shit and then her devoted lovign girlfriend is this cockney sonic tje hedgehog looking fuck who wears crocs and t-shirts to christmas dinner with her fucking gay best friend/paternal savior who is a fucking talking gorilla with a doctorate. emily takes all this in stride. what a fucking champ