Kids these days who think that being a bard is just about swinging swords and playing lutes disgust me. Where’s the pizzazz? The showmanship? The seduction??
you ain’t a real bard until you seduce your way out of at least 19 situations that would normally end in combat
You’re not a real bard until you make your DM cry because you seduced the Big Bad that they’ve built up to for 10 sessions
Once a bard friend rolled a 1 for a seduction and ended up killing a girl and tried to hide the body. He was caught, rolled low on deception and they all thought he was fucking her corpse. He then tried seducing the guards and rolled low again so all the guards had boners while arresting him and the DM had to sideline the entire game and make up a dungeon for the rest of us to get our stupid bard out of. But we didn’t. So for like 3 nights the DM essentially ran 2 different games, one of us questing without ol’ corpsefucker and then the adventures of corpsefucker: escape from boner castle.
Why do grown ass adults want to eat Tide pods so much?
Because a ton of the visual/olfactory/textural sensory information these pods give me the match nutritionally-dense fruit. It’s got the oleic gleam of something high-fat like an avocado, but bright carotenoid-rich coloration like a berry that wants to be eaten by red-seeing primates and birds. It tends to smell sweet and slightly floral, enhancing that effect. Similarly, when you hold it, it is quite dense (denser than water), but very soft and liquid, once again reaffirming that this “fruit” has either high sugar or high fat content and almost no cellulose to it.
As a result, within me is a less-clever monkey just screaming to eat this delicious fruit in my hand about to go into the laundry, and it does in fact take willpower to tell him he’s a stupid monkey and this is a bubble of foul-tasting poison. But every time I do laundry, this fucking limbic monstrosity rises again and assures me it’s basically like a cherry but Even Better. I have legitimately debated just biting down on one in the hopes of inducing a deterrent memory to forestall this urge in the future, but that’s what my goddamn mammal-brain wants me to fucking do and I refuse to let it win.
Human Brain: Don’t eat the posion pod its fucking posion Monkey Brain: Eat the fruit pod its fruit Lizard Brain: The Washing Machine Is Vibrating Give It The Sex Fish Brain: Climb inside the washing machine it is safe.
I want to eat it because I know when I bite into it its delicious juices are going to flood my mouth in a burst of flavor like ratatouille
this video is cursed that fucking furby had fear in its eyes. he trusted you
he opens his mouth to scream but theres nothing left of him
Everything about this video is magnificent.
-the thick Finnish accented host of the video calls it a “FUUURB”
-the Furby falls “asleep” moments before being placed in the hydraulic press
-as it’s being crushed, the Furby’s eyes and eyelids twitch ever so slightly enough to give the appearance that the Furby is feeling every ounce of pain it’s experiencing
-the Furby’s beak is dislodged from its face and opens up before the hydraulic press finishes the job
-right when the Furby is crushed a black ooze seeps from its insides and drips on the floor
-all the while an unidentified woman in the background is cackling at the sight of the poor bastard meeting its doom
-we also get two gratuitous slow motion replays of the homicide, one of which has a bombastic, orchestral piece play over the footage
-the host holds up the flattened pancake remains of the Furby, which would have not looked out of place as a practical effect in the 1988 Robert Zemeckis film “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”
-also some Legos get crushed but it doesn’t hold a candle to everything that happened to that damn Furby, it really doesn’t
This is some quality shit right here
Also please watch this with the subtitles on. They gave the furby dialogue.
Ok, So I’m in college about 10 years back and roomed with this guy named Joe. Dude is Steve Urkel levels of clumsy. Except life isn’t a sitcom. Dude broke his arm twice in the year I knew him. I was about to get married at this point in time when he walks in on she and I kissing, he didn’t expect us there and wound up tripping, falling into a glass top coffee table. Doctors couldn’t save his eye. He’s having to wear a sterile cotton thing on his eye during the healing process.
Well, fiancee feels guilty because we startled him to begin with. She basically nurses him back to health. During this time, I had realized that I knew absolutely nothing about the guy. Anytime I’d ask where his home town was, she’d tell me “not now” or something similar.
Anyway, he gets healed up and she fell for him. Nightingale syndrome hard. They get up, pack everything and leave. No note, no nothing, no phone calls. Not even a “fuck you go to hell.” Haven’t heard from them since.
In short.
If it weren’t for cotton eyed Joe, I’d been married a long time ago. Where did you come from where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe.
This is the only picture on my computer that can adequately express the rage I’m feeling right now
we;re watching the avengers and bc j*ss wh*don is weak and didnt have the spine to play toxic by britney spears when loki wrecked that museum gala we did it for him and honestly? it made the movie 248375% better
there’s a guy in one of my classes who i am secretly battling for dominance over by wearing awful hipster outfits. i dont know if he is thinking the same thing but regardless i intend to win
i thought i won today when i walked into class wearing my awful 1995 figure skating tour of the world (sponsored by campbells soup) t-shirt, mom jeans, and 1980 moscow olympics-theme denim jacket but then he had to walk in wearing a donald duck jacket with matching donald duck socks like what a fucking power move
sparksoffandommagic 