Question: What are the best book titles ever?

boots3697:

mysharona1987:

notimpossiblejustabitunlikely:

mysharona1987:

My choices:

“I Shall Wear Midnight” by Terry Pratchett

“John Dies at the End.” by David Wong

“Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” by  Seth Grahame-Smith

“I Still Miss My Man, But My Aim is Getting Better” by Sarah Shankman.

I do like smart-ass book titles.

I think John Dies at the End might have been beaten by its sequel, This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don’t Touch It.

If I’m not limited to books I’ve actually read, I nominate The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse. Sticking to only books I’ve read, We Have Always Lived in the Castle entranced me the moment I first saw it.

“John Dies at the End” is better, IMO. Short, simple and to the point.

And then he doesn’t actually, you know, die at the end.

The title itself is a mind-fuck.

I’m gonna place a bet for “Optimists die first”

What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

emilysidhe:

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by
Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve?  And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird shit that happened before?  And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling?  And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air?  Allow me to explain:

The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

  • Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
  • But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
  • Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
  • And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!
  • (Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles.  This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick ass at it anyway.)
  • And the Queen totally kicked ass, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
  • So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies!  This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne.  Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
  • (Spoiler:  they were not both good fairies.)
  • So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule.  And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
  • “So listen, kid.  You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you!  You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil.  And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me.  Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude.  (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

Keep reading

Okay, just asking for your personal opinion here – do you think Jane Austen masturbated? I mean, it’s still uncertain whether or not she died a virgin, but if so do you think she had much sexual understanding? I know they were uptight about that shit but I would’ve thought she was clever enough to take control. I mean know the Bronte’s definitely were familiar with the clit but they were more rural and more free to explore their wild sides. I don’t know, what do you think? Thanks.

professorspork:

notbecauseofvictories:

what

#IN WHAT WAY COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE ANY INSIGHT INTO THIS QUESTION #WHY HAS IT BEEN SENT TO ME #WHO THINKS I KNOW ABOUT THE PRIVATE SEXYTIME HABITS OF LITERARY FIGURES #“I know the brontes definitely were familiar with the clit—” HOW #DID YOU OUIJI BOARD CHARLOTTE BRONTE JUST TO FIND OUT IF SHE LIKED FLICKING THE BEAN BECAUSE #HONESTLY THAT’S WHAT FIRST CAME TO MIND #AND IF YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SPIRIT WORLD I HAVE OTHER QUESTIONS I WOULD LIKE ANSWERED #NOT THIS ONE #I’M GOOD WITH NOT HAVING THIS ONE ANSWERED #WE SHOULD JUST LET THIS ONE GO

classic lit authors on ao3

Jane Austen: The slowburn writer to end all slowburn writers. Has a mild case of purple prose syndrome. Sets you up to think she’s using a really lame trope or cliche, but then pulls the old BITCH U THOUGHT. Gets in fights with commenters who completely miss the point of her work.
William Shakespeare: Where dick jokes meet feels. Recycles old plots that have been in the fandom for years, but always manages to put a new spin on it. That said, he’s better known for good character writing than good plots. Kind of problematic, but people love him anyway. Laughs at and encourages commenters who completely miss the point of his work.
The Brontë Sisters: Their fics get lots of comments but they never reply. They never leave author notes, either. They share an account, and there are talks of a collab fic coming soon. Write fics for OTPs of questionable healthiness and consent. Only ever write darkfic. Like, REALLY dark. …People are getting kind of worried about them.
Edgar Allan Poe: Also only ever writes darkfic, but at this point, people have moved past being worried about him and have just accepted that he’s weird, he’s morbid, and we love him. Channels his feelings about his ex into his writing. It results in really good stories but everyone’s sort of like, “…Dude.”
Charles Dickens: Trying to set the record for highest wordcount on ao3, and it shows.
Victor Hugo: Currently holds the record for highest wordcount on ao3.
Oscar Wilde: Only ever writes M/M. Has a BAD case of purple prose, but it’s worth it if you manage to get through. His stories are either hilarious or soul-crushing. Or somehow both. People love him but know better than to disagree with him publicly, lest he destroy you with one of his infamous subtweets.
L. Frank Baum: Wrote one really well-loved story that’s among the most famous in the fandom, and it’s literally all he’s known for, and it pisses him off. His popular story became a multichap against his will because it’s the only one of his stories anyone actually reads. He keeps trying to end it so he can work on other things, but always ends up coming back.
Arthur Conan Doyle: Feels L. Frank Baum’s pain. SO much.
James Joyce: Has fascinating ideas, but takes forEVER to get to the point in his stories. Also a stoner, and it shows.
Lousia May Alcott: Writes stories for her unpopular OTP (that’s a NOTP for most of the fandom) and breaks up everyone’s favorite ships, mainly out of spite. Also kills everyone’s favorite characters, less so out of spite.
Mary Shelley: Writes incredible stories, but publishes under her boyfriend’s account because she’s banned from ao3. …Again.

sinbadism:

fozmeadows:

flatluigi:

veliseraptor:

seagodofmagic:

veliseraptor:

okay but I did not know that there is a story about f. scott fitzgerald nervously showing ernest hemingway his penis because zelda said he couldn’t satisfy a woman with it and ernest hemingway was like “lol no dude you’re fine”

what are the modernists even

the best part of that story in context is that before they pull out their dicks, hemingway spends the better part of a chapter physically describing fitzgerald in great detail, claiming to be grossed out by him but obviously, obviously uncomfortably attracted

oh my god, it got better. I just went to find an excerpt and

Scott was a man then who looked like a boy with a face between handsome and pretty. He had very fair wavy hair, a high forehead, excited and friendly eyes and a delicate long-lipped Irish mouth that, on a girl, would have been the mouth of a beauty. His chin was well built and he had good ears and a handsome, almost beautiful, unmarked nose. This should not have added up to a pretty face, but that came from the coloring, the very fair hair and the mouth. The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more.

ernest hemingway calm down and control your thirst a little

“The mouth worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more“ is a hell of a line 

No Homo: A Literary Masterpiece

What’s amazing about this is that Hemingway’s writing is never this good in any other situation

thebucca2:

availableonitunes:

kissmebluesexyvioletsme:

seeyouintee:

microkiller66:

atearsarahjane:

thewintersoulja:

frappemako:

the-one-inside:

someottersmarryhedgehogs:

noiselesspatientspider:

iheartuniversecookies:

angelas-extrasandstuff:

I would like to share this beautiful passage with all of you, it’s long, but worth it. And I swear to god I didn’t alter any of this. 

….

Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.

Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which is seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.

Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.

As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”

Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.

“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”

At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.

Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.

Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.

Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!

The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.

She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”

But her bed was empty.

Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.

….

DICK

ANEURYSM

GALLOPING ABS

Who told this lady she could write?

Why did she ever stop?

IT GETS WORSE THE FURTHER IN THE PASSAGE YOU GO OMG

i fukcing lost it at meat wand

‘entered her like she was a lottery’ 😂

mikaatqueen

IT’S BAAAAAACK!

Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. 

image

oh my god. Im still laughing as I type Web this. I guarantee I will still be laughing after I post this.

YES! I remember this from my first spell on tumblr.

STOP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS!

HER SNOOCH GOT ALL WARM

glumshoe:

mautlyn:

glumshoe:

feynites:

smokesforharris:

generalanger:

muscleluvr2:

the moral of frankenstein is if youre going to build a monster out of dead body parts dont make him like 8 feet tall and super strong

or just love your super strong 8 feet tall son

Like, don’t abandon him because you are scared of him. Like you met him a second ago. He just wants a family

The moral of the story is that you need to be prepared for the realities of parenthood before you commit. Sometimes you get what you expected, sometimes you get an eight foot tall super strong patchwork zombie child, sometimes you get neither of those things. No take-backs.

One of the funniest things about this is that the creation is supposed to be “hideous”, but he’s described as looking like some kind of huge goth prince and… really doesn’t sound so bad.

That’s not what’s meant by “hideous” in the text. The creation is not “hideous” as in “aesthetically ugly”, it’s “hideous” as in ghastly, terrifying, shocking, unnatural, wrong, uncanny. Aesthetically the creature is described as “beautiful”, the way Victor painstakingly designed him. That’s why he’s described as sounding like a tall goth prince, and if you interpreted “hideous” to mean “ugly looking”, I can see why it would be confusing. 

I mean… he does also specifically refer to him as “ugly” and talks about how he has translucent yellow shriveled skin and slightly rotten eyes which put his otherwise-handsome features (hair, bone structure) straight into the uncanny valley:

“I had gazed on him while unfinished; he was ugly then, but when those muscles and joints were rendered capable of motion, it became a thing such as even Dante could not have conceived.”

thebibliosphere:

penfairy:

zetsubouloli:

penfairy:

Women have more power and agency in Shakespeare’s comedies than in his tragedies, and usually there are more of them with more speaking time, so I’m pretty sure what Shakespeare’s saying is “men ruin everything” because everyone fucking dies when men are in charge but when women are in charge you get married and live happily ever after

I think you’re reading too far into things, kiddo.
Take a break from your women’s studies major and get some fresh air.

Right. Well, I’m a historian, so allow me to elaborate.

One of the most important aspects of the Puritan/Protestant revolution (in the 1590’s in particular) was the foregrounding of marriage as the most appropriate way of life. It often comes as a surprise when people learn this, but Puritans took an absolutely positive view of sexuality within the context of marriage. Clergy were encouraged to lead by example and marry and have children, as opposed to Catholic clergy who prized virginity above all else. Through his comedies, Shakespeare was promoting this new way of life which had never been promoted before. The dogma, thanks to the church, had always been “durr hburr women are evil sex is bad celibacy is your ticket to salvation.” All that changed in Shakespeare’s time, and thanks to him we get a view of the world where marriage, women, and sexuality are in fact the key to salvation. 

The difference between the structure of a comedy and a tragedy is that the former is cyclical, and the latter a downward curve. Comedies weren’t stupid fun about the lighter side of life. The definition of a comedy was not a funny play. They were plays that began in turmoil and ended in reconciliation and renewal. They showed the audience the path to salvation, with the comic ending of a happy marriage leaving the promise of societal regeneration intact. Meanwhile, in the tragedies, there is no such promise of regeneration or salvation. The characters destroy themselves. The world in which they live is not sustainable. It leads to a dead end, with no promise of new life.

And so, in comedies, the women are the movers and shakers. They get things done. They move the machinery of the plot along. In tragedies, though women have an important part to play, they are often morally bankrupt as compared to the women of comedies, or if they are morally sound, they are disenfranchised and ignored, and refused the chance to contribute to the society in which they live. Let’s look at some examples.

In Romeo and Juliet, the play ends in tragedy because no-one listens to Juliet. Her father and Paris both insist they know what’s right for her, and they refuse to listen to her pleas for clemency. Juliet begs them – screams, cries, manipulates, tells them outright I cannot marry, just wait a week before you make me marry Paris, just a week, please and they ignore her, and force her into increasingly desperate straits, until at last the two young lovers kill themselves. The message? This violent, hate-filled patriarchal world is unsustainable. The promise of regeneration is cut down with the deaths of these children. Compare to Othello. This is the most horrifying and intimate tragedy of all, with the climax taking place in a bedroom as a husband smothers his young wife. The tragedy here could easily have been averted if Othello had listened to Desdemona and Emilia instead of Iago. The message? This society, built on racism and misogyny and martial, masculine honour, is unsustainable, and cannot regenerate itself. The very horror of it lies in the murder of two wives. 

How about Hamlet? Ophelia is a disempowered character, but if Hamlet had listened to her, and not mistreated her, and if her father hadn’t controlled every aspect of her life, then perhaps she wouldn’t have committed suicide. The final scene of carnage is prompted by Laertes and Hamlet furiously grappling over her corpse. When Ophelia dies, any chance of reconciliation dies with her. The world collapses in on itself. This society is unsustainable. King Lear – we all know that this is prompted by Cordelia’s silence, her unwillingness to bend the knee and flatter in the face of tyranny. It is Lear’s disproportionate response to this that sets off the tragedy, and we get a play that is about entropy, aging and the destruction of the social order.  

There are exceptions to the rule. I’m sure a lot of you are crying out “but Lady Macbeth!” and it’s a good point. However, in terms of raw power, neither Lady Macbeth nor the witches are as powerful as they appear. The only power they possess is the ability to influence Macbeth; but ultimately it is Macbeth’s own ambition that prompts him to murder Duncan, and it is he who escalates the situation while Lady Macbeth suffers a breakdown. In this case you have women who are allowed to influence the play, but do so for the worse; they fail to be the good moral compasses needed. Goneril, Regan and Gertrude are similarly comparable; they possess a measure of power, but do not use it for good, and again society cannot renew itself.

Now we come to the comedies, where women do have the most control over the plot. The most powerful example is Rosalind in As You Like It. She pulls the strings in every avenue of the plot, and it is thanks to her control that reconciliation is achieved at the end, and all end up happily married. Much Ado About Nothing pivots around a woman’s anger over the abuse of her innocent cousin. If the men were left in charge in this play, no-one would be married at the end, and it would certainly end in tragedy. But Beatrice stands up and rails against men for their cruel conduct towards women and says that famous, spine-tingling line – oh God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace. And Benedick, her suitor, listens to her. He realises that his misogynistic view of the world is wrong and he takes steps to change it. He challenges his male friends for their conduct, parts company with the prince, and by doing this he wins his lady’s hand. The entire happy ending is dependent on the men realising that they must trust, love and respect women. Now it is a society that is worthy of being perpetuated. Regeneration and salvation lies in equality between the sexes and the love husbands and wives cherish for each other. The Merry Wives of Windsor – here we have men learning to trust and respect their wives, Flastaff learning his lesson for trying to seduce married women, and a daughter tricking everyone so she can marry the man she truly loves. A Midsummer Night’s Dream? The turmoil begins because three men are trying to force Hermia to marry someone she does not love, and Helena has been cruelly mistreated. At the end, happiness and harmony comes when the women are allowed to marry the men of their choosing, and it is these marriages that are blessed by the fairies.

What of the romances? In The Tempest, Prospero holds the power, but it is Miranda who is the key to salvation and a happy ending. Without his daughter, it is likely Prospero would have turned into a murderous revenger. The Winter’s Tale sees Leontes destroy himself through his own jealousy. The king becomes a vicious tyrant because he is cruel to his own wife and children, and this breach of faith in suspecting his wife of adultery almost brings ruin to his entire kingdom. Only by obeying the sensible Emilia does Leontes have a chance of achieving redemption, and the pure trust and love that exists between Perdita and Florizel redeems the mistakes of the old generation and leads to a happy ending. Cymbeline? Imogen is wronged, and it is through her love and forgiveness that redemption is achieved at the end. In all of these plays, without the influence of the women there is no happy ending.

The message is clear. Without a woman’s consent and co-operation in living together and bringing up a family, there is turmoil. Equality between the sexes and trust between husbands and wives alone will bring happiness and harmony, not only to the family unit, but to society as a whole. The Taming of the Shrew rears its ugly head as a counter-example, for here a happy ending is dependent on a woman’s absolute subservience and obedience even in the face of abuse. But this is one of Shakespeare’s early plays (and a rip-off of an older comedy called The Taming of a Shrew) and it is interesting to look at how the reception of this play changed as values evolved in this society. 

As early as 1611 The Shrew was adapted by the writer John Fletcher in a play called The Woman’s Prize, or The Tamer Tamed. It is both a sequel and an imitation, and it chronicles Petruchio’s search for a second wife after his disastrous marriage with Katherine (whose taming had been temporary) ended with her death. In Fletcher’s version, the men are outfoxed by the women and Petruchio is ‘tamed’ by his new wife. It ends with a rather uplifting epilogue that claims the play aimed:

To teach both sexes due equality

And as they stand bound, to love mutually.

The Taming of the Shrew and The Tamer Tamed were staged back to back in 1633, and it was recorded that although Shakespeare’s Shrew was “liked”, Fletcher’s Tamer Tamed was “very well liked.” You heard it here folks; as early as 1633 audiences found Shakespeare’s message of total female submission uncomfortable, and they preferred John Fletcher’s interpretation and his message of equality between the sexes.

So yes. The message we can take away from Shakespeare is that a world in which women are powerless and cannot or do not contribute positively to society and family is unsustainable. Men, given the power and left to their own devices, will destroy themselves. But if men and women can work together and live in harmony, then the whole community has a chance at salvation, renewal and happiness.  

In the immortal words of the bard himself: fucking annihilated.

lotstradamus:

so I read the entirety of Peter Pan in one sitting today and it is SO GREAT and unintentionally hilarious and really really enjoyable and I wanna gush so here’s some stuff

  • someone once told Captain Hook that he looks like a Stuart so he started dressing like Charles II complete with long black ringlets
  • ringlets… which he combs using his hook
  • he also uses his hook for “other homely uses.” I have no idea what, J. M. chose not to extrapolate
  • Hook’s great master plan to kill the Lost Boys is to BAKE THEM A CAKE and put dodgy stuff in it so they eat it and die
  • Wendy is like “you ain’t eating shit you found on the floor” and makes them use the cake as a missile, which Hook later falls over in the dark 
  • speaking of Wendy, the Lost Boys are All About Wendy when she first arrives. Peter is like never touch Wendy. build a house around her. we are her servants. she is a lady.
  • John is literally like “are you fucking kidding me" 
  • Tinker Bell is super not here for Peter’s flight of fancy shit and yells YOU SILLY ASS at him literally about ten times
  • Peter is kinda dumb actually 
  • at one point he falls asleep on Wendy Guard Duty "and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy”
  • ????????????????
  • there are non-binary fairies! girls glow white, boys glow mauve and the blue ones are “little sillies who are not sure what they are” which is… really really cute!!!
  • there’s a whole section where Peter and this bird are yelling at each other but Peter doesn’t speak bird and the bird doesn’t speak human and they’re mad about it
  • J. M. makes sure to point out that Hook “was not wholly evil; he loved flowers”
  • when the pirates kidnap Wendy and the Lost Boys, Hook bows to Wendy and sweeps his hat off and gives her his arm and she’s so starry-eyed about it she forgets she’s being kidnapped
  • the thirst is real, Wendy
  • Hook is scared of Smee. all the kids love Smee cos he’s little with funny glasses and thinks he’s really fearsome but. Hook is. actually. scared of Smee
  • at one point Peter is helping Hook up onto a rock because a) good form and b) he wants to have a proper nemesis fight, and Hook BITES PETER and Peter is fucking beside himself about it
  • in fact 100% of their interaction reads like Kate Beaton’s nemesis comic 
  • Tiger Lily is a stone cold badass. all the men in her tribe want to lock that down and she’s like “fuck no”
  • when Peter rescues her from Hook and Smee, rather than carrying her bridal-style back to her camp (no thx Disney) she’s just like TIGER LILY OUT and swims home, abandoning Peter to his dumb pirate fight
  • Peter may be slightly unhinged actually. like one paragraph early on basically says that sometimes he’d go for walks on his own and not talk about it when he came back, then the others would go out AND FIND THE BODY
  • like the book pretty much insinuates that when the Lost Boys start getting too old Peter takes ‘em out back and puts ‘em down
  • and before the big boss fight he’s picking pirates off one by one and a Lost Boy is just calmly keeping an out-loud count of how many throats Peter’s slit
  • and after the boss fight he literally kicks Hook overboard to where he knows the crocodile’s waiting 
  • that kid is fucked up, I’m just saying
  • the narrator loses his shit towards the end. I’m serious. one minute he’s like “I HATE MRS. DARLING SO MUCH” and the next he’s all “I love Mrs. Darling, those kids are some selfish brats though”
  • Mr. Darling blames himself for the childrens’ disappearance because he locked Nana outside, so he starts… living in her kennel. a taxi picks him and the kennel up every morning and takes him to work in it. he becomes famous because he lives in the kennel 
  • ?????????????????

in conclusion, this book was great and J. M. Barrie was possibly on crack and, also, Disney what were you thinking