-is allergic to chocolate
-is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe)
-has weird long vampire teeth
-once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class
-named his bicycle Tom Bombadil
-got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time
-is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support
-is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour
-enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds.
-cannot touch mangos
-teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple
-has begun studying magic
-used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples
-is so fucking weird
-used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it
-is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them
-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education
-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes -cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator -has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science -is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy -has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him – they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes -once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal -told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect -was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation -got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs
-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)
this is what he wore to a family outing downtown
He showed up to our Christmas Eve dinner wearing a dress shirt, fancy slacks, and flip flops. All he ate was a bowl of smoked oysters.
write about 5000 words of porn or more – 3000 or more also acceptable, but you don’t really want to go under that. don’t tab to indent, i swear to god, it fucks with amazon’s formatting so bad. don’t write any porn that’d send you to jail IRL, amazon naturally (and thank god) doesn’t accept that shit.
on the ‘bookshelf’ tab, you click ‘add new title’, fill out everything, upload a cover – you can get one free image a month (or maybe a week now, i dunno) from bigstock.com if you need some stock images of people’s abs and stuff but can’t put cash down for anything just yet – and amazon has a cover making application built right into the process too to make things easier or if you don’t know shit about photoshop or whatever.
then you upload the document itself. click save and continue. choose how much you want your title to cost – 2.99 is generally what most people price theirs at, because that’s where amazon’s 70 percent royalties starts at. enroll in kindle select if you want that 70 percent royalties to apply to the whole world, so you’re getting the same royalties no matter where you sell.
then you hit publish and wait and wait and wait and wait for amazon to actually publish the fucking thing.
then you wait 60 days after the end of the month to get your royalties! don’t know why, but that’s how amazon rolls.
and you just keep making more and more titles in the meanwhile to build up that income cuz you’re not likely to make a lot from just one title.
there’s no real ‘gatekeepers’ in kindle erotica – you just start writing and publishing and you keep doing it and building up a library. some genres/kinks/niches sell better than others, and trends come and go, but it’s really all up to you – to do the writing, the publishing, the marketing, and then more writing and publishing. you just keep at it, bit by bit. this is a market where it’s really all about quantity… the bigger your library is, the more sales you’ll start to rack up, building like a snowball. even better if you release titles on like a regular schedule. ideally you want to put up like 2 titles a week, but 1 a week is a good initial goal to shoot for.
you can also go to amazon’s author central to set up an author page to get all your titles in one place and help build a reader base/link readers and buyers in general to.
godspeed anon!
hm.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
adding in my own hmmmmms
… I am seriously considering this. And also considering getting a proper pen name
Okay literally I’m reblogging this for the erotica how-to but also this is how Amazon self-pub works no matter what you write, like subject-wise, this is it for everything. OFC it doesn’t cover stuff like editing, cover art, marketing or pre-orders (Amazon used to have a pretty brutal pre-order deadline system, but they seem to be relaxing it after the last update? I can’t tell for absolute sure?), but in a bare-bones nutshell, yes, this is universal, and good information.
(I haven’t done Amazon Select because I like to get my stuff in with other sellers like Barnes and Noble/iBooks/Kobo – bc some people don’t buy from Amazon, and Select means you can’t sell anywhere but Amazon, in exchange for some extra promotional tools. If you want to do this, I suggest looking into the distributor ‘Draft2Digital,’ it’s a very easy all-in-one free service. Smashwords is also an indie standard, but more difficult to work with; I feel Ways about Smashwords.)
But yes, if you just want to do Amazon self-pub, this is a very good basic start.
So just a heads up for anyone who may not be familiar with taxes!
Amazon pays you as an independent contractor/self-employed, which means a couple of things. First, it means that the income you receive from Amazon will not be taxed! You’ll receive the full amount of whatever you earn from your sales, instead of the chopped up paycheck most employees are used to seeing.
This does not mean you don’t owe taxes! Sometime in January following the year you earn money from them, Amazon will send you a 1099-misc form listing the total amount of income you received in the previous year. If you use TurboTax/etc, it will walk you through how to input that, so don’t worry about that!
Here’s the stuff to note: If you makes less than $600 during the year, Amazon is not required to send you a 1099, but you are still supposed to report the income. The chance of you being audited for owing the IRS less than $100 is probably slim (it is barely worth what it costs to audit someone), but please take note and report the income as needed!
And the biggest thing!!!! Because your income is not being taxed upfront, it means you will OWE taxes come the following year!!! Self-employment tax is 15.3% (which you will notice is MUCH LOWER than what gets taken out of your employee/W2-based paycheck), so you will owe AT LEAST that the following year (more if you make TONS of money). Now if you are working as an employee, there’s a good chance that any money you owe will be cancelled out by whatever extra money the government took from your employee paycheck during the year.
BUT. If you earn a significant amount of self-employment income, or self-employment is your ONLY form of income, you will owe the government money in April!
The smartest thing to do when you earn any sort of self-employment income is to put 20% of that paycheck into a separate savings accounts. Just put it there and leave it there. If you can get a savings account with good interest, even better, but not necessary! That way when your taxes come due in April of the following year, you aren’t scrambling for money to pay them; the money will be sitting right there in your savings account!
Also, being self-employed allows you to report deductions for stuff, so you might want to look into that too, because it’ll save you money. After you pay your taxes, any money left in the account is yours to do whatever you want with!
source: I’ve been filing a 1099 as my sole source of income for about 4 years now (about to be 5)
❝I can’t stand that holier-than-thou bullshit, and yet, I’m completely infatuated.❞
❝It’s okay. You can laugh. I promise not to tell anyone.❞
❝Okay, let’s try it again only this time I’m gonna stick my tongue in your mouth, and when I do that I want you to massage my tongue with yours. And that’s what first base is.❞
❝They took down my pants and started writing the alphabet with their tongue.❞
❝I’ve been very well-informed of your reputation.❞
❝You promise people the world in order to get them into bed with you.❞
❝Relationships seem too distracting. I’d rather concentrate on my studies.❞
❝Get your ass on the bed and prepare for the fuck of your life!❞
my body isnt a temple, it’s a condemned building covered in prophecies in the form of graffiti. my soul is a shrine made of garbage and neon and i am holy, hallelujah.
there are so many important elements to this. the slow-mo. the sliding on snow in trainers?? the string classical music. the knowing glance towards the camera. the slight raise of the mug in salutation. the book. the red dressing gown. the snowflakes falling past. the hair? the blink as they turn away. who are they
Behold! The grand chart for flower language compiled by @hasty-touch & @halonic. After being introduced to it, a number of folks have taken to using bouquets, delivered within Ishgard (and perhaps without) to convey messages.
Can confirm that House Pepin delivers discretely and provides excellent service.
:3 This is just a thing I compiled from loads of PDFs and stuff because I was going batty from flipping between 20 different browser tabs.
Since it’s publicly viewable now I may work on neatening it some over the next few weeks!
Once upon a time @hasty-touch and I somehow ended up screeching “FLORIOGRAPHY???” at one another, and then weeks later he and @halonic made this gem happen, and suddenly the sea of books and browser tabs parted, and I was at peace.
I never close this spreadsheet. It is my home. We are one.
(( Signal boosting because these are the most thorough nerds I’ve ever seen and this list is wonderful.I’ve referenced it countless times already! ))
Yeah, sure, replacing the noises that animals make with human screams is totally silly but, man, some of the edits of these scenes are really freaking good. Matt Amys took footage from Planet Earth II and then swapped out the audio with screams that are damn near perfect for each situation.
It takes place entirely in an elevator of an office building.
So you see various people interact with each other at different times of the day.
Sometimes, they’re all getting along. Othertimes, they’re making out. And othertimes still, they’re throwing punches and threatening to murder one another.
You see people by themselves, doing things that they wouldn’t do otherwise.
You hear everyone complain about one character who you never see for the duration of the show, because they take the stairs.
You actually have no idea what the company does. One day, they’re talkking about balancing the budget, one day, they’re taking about how they all got food poisoning on their retreat to Tahiti, one day they’re in furry costumes, and one day, one of the characters gets a phone call where the ringtone is ‘Hail To The Chief’; they answer it, saying, “Yes, Mr. President?”
You have just enough information to go on, while also knowing nothing.
sparksoffandommagic 