“in which instead of actually playing hockey, the guys play shitty (pun intended) DIY punk in a band called Soft Hands. classically-trained pianist eric bittle doesn’t quite know what’s hit him.”
Bitty doing the “My Boyfriend Does My Voice Over” tag on YouTube with Jack narrating him baking a pretty basic pie and Jack still manages to fumble most of it like:
“Okay, now I’m just throwing in some…salt?…NO, SUGAR! Sugar! You don’t put salt in pies.“
“You’ve got to cut this doughy bit into strips so that you can…weave a basket cover for the pie…I don’t know, it’s called the crust, eh.”
“I don’t…I don’t know what I’m doing…”
And then there’s him just gently chirping Bittle throughout.
“I never use pre-canned fruits even though that would save me loads of time and I could actually leave some cherries in the house for Jack to eat…”
“Oh I’m dancing now…probably to Beyonce.”
“I don’t like these pans I’m using. I complain about them all the time but I think I’m being slick.”
But mostly it’s just him being totally gone on Bitty
“That’s not my shirt. That’s Jack’s shirt that he’s been looking for for three weeks…it looks better on me though.”
“I think I’ll be really excited that Jack got me the new pan set I’ve been talking about for my birthday…but it’s a surprise.”
“I look really good in the light in our kitchen. That’s why Jack has so many pictures of me in here…cause I’m beautiful.”
So I ended up doing more with that tattoo artist/florist au lol….
Bitty’s has Moomaw’s apple pie recipe on his back. Lardo’s tats are half secret, but the first one she ever got were vampire marks on her neck when she was sixteen – she was going through a phase. She and Bitty have dots on their forearms for every year they’ve been friends.
Shitty’s family owns a chain of flower shops, one of which he works in with his awkward buddy Jack. They are both smitten with the punks across the street.
A small part of me that takes great pleasure in seeing Jack having awkward talks with his teammates and hopes the trend continues.
Like imagine:
Jack: My boyfriend was wondering if you would like to come for dinner, since he has heard so much about you and…
Tater *outraged and on the verge of tears*: You end things with girlfriend who made pies? Why!?!? She made you happy Zimboni and she made us best pie! So much pie.
Jack *sigh*: Actually…
–
Poots: Oh! So Bitty isn’t single… that’s a shame.
I really wanted to ask him out.
Jack *eyebrow twitch, full on unimpressed face*: Ha. Ha… Don’t.
(Etc, feel free to add more)
Snowy: That explains that time we found a naked guy at your apartment. Jack *internally screaming*: Actually, that’s not my boyfriend but my best friend. Snowy: Right… is it the guy who had a spreadsheet about your butt? Jack: No that’s because, actually I don’t know why he had one this time. Snowy: The guy you were wrestling with on the floor? Jack *face palming*
“Wow considering we thought you were low key fooling around with at least 3 hot hockey players plus that pie-baking goddess you claimed was “just a friend” we are really intrigued to find out what kind of guy could lock you down as a boyfriend!“
Jack “why do my teammates always think I’m a player” Zimmermann just wants a quiet night in with hand holding and pie.
“So you’re dating the pie guy.”
“Yes.”
“But that’s NOT the guy on your old team who made the ‘Marry Me Jack Zimmermann’ sign and waves it around at games.” (I.e. Any given SMH member, depending on the day)
– Jack Zimmermann had a crap ton of cliche teen angst and has at some point said the following things to his parents “ugh….you just don’t get it!” “Gawd your so humiliating…Papa stop waving he see’s you! People can see.” and “Mama I am not wearing that to school! i don’t care if it was on the runway in Milan last week it has feathers!”
–Jack had a boombox in his room and whenever he was feeling particularly Extra he’d turn it up all the way and blast French Rap, which Bad Bob Zimmermann hated so much it made him want to set the boombox on fire.
– Jack has a tongue piercing…he absolutely does…he 100% has a tongue piercing you can ply this head cannon away from my cold dead hands. This closeted-Emo grumpy motherfucker has a fucking tongue piercing. (when Bitty finds out thats a whole other post all together) (when Shitty finds out Thats a whole other post all together) Surprisingly when Bob saw it, he just rolled his eyes. Alicia almost had a heart attack. “He put a hole in his tongue Bob….HE’S SIXTEEN!”
-Whenever Jack was angry at his Dad, he’d show up at Hockey games wearing the opposing teams Jersey. “Hey Bob, What the fucks your son doing in a Senators Jersey?” “I’m making him miss hockey practice to go to Alicia’s movie premiere.”
–Jack once wrote a paper on how Henri Richards ( the record holder for the most Stanley cup wins) was his hero, and Bob said belligerently ‘ Jack I’m your father, i’ve won two Stanley cups!’ and Jack replied ‘Yes but have you won eleven?’
–Pre overdose Jack has one thousand percent snuck out of the house to go to a party, and I assume they live in a three-four story detached family home that looks more like a castle than a house with an iron gate and electronic locks and the whole nine, so imagine not only a pubescent and drunk Jack Zimmermann trying to climb down and scale the wall of that house but also trying to climb a giant iron fence at two in the morning and getting caught by his father with a flashlight a robe and bunny slippers.
-Jack Zimmermann has experimented with both girls and boys in the confines of his room and at many high school house parties and has come home covered in hickies that look like he got slapped in the neck with a puck and Alicia just about loses her mind…Bob snaps a picture for his embarrassing Jack Photo collection.
-Bad Bob does that Dad thing where he rhymes everything and thinks it’s hilarious like “Hey Papa this is my friend Paul-” “Oh yeah, paul eh? tall paul from montreal? Gonna have a ball?” Jack’s facial expression is a solid mix between wanting somebody to mercy kill him and wanting someone to mercy kill his father. He later gets back at him by wearing a leafs jersey to one of his games (the leafs weren’t even playing)
– Alicia makes the whole family do a professionally done Christmas photo every year to send to family in matching Christmas sweaters. Jack believes he had burned them all in the great cleansing of ‘09′. It’s not until Shitty’s multimedia best man speech at his wedding that he realized his father had kept electronic copies and a very embarrassing photo of Jack with a floppy Bieber fringe, eyeliner, a serious scowl, and a bright red sweater that has a giant stocking sewn on his broadcast for his utter humiliation.
-Jack wrote lyrics on his shoes in permanent marker. These weren’t eighty dollar converse…these were 2000 dollar Rick Owens running shoes his Mom brought back from France.
sparksoffandommagic 