wardencommanderkarnstein:

achilliads:

PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY: a mix for icarus, history’s greatest downfall

guy’s i’m gonna get so hella tanned” — icarus, probably

  1. breaking free high school musical 
  2. i believe i can fly r kelly 
  3. defying gravity wicked 
  4. wind beneath my wings bette midler 
  5. here comes the sun the beatles 
  6. timber pitbull feat. ke$ha 
  7. drop it like it’s hot snoop dogg feat. pharrell williams 
  8. it’s raining men the weather girls

listen }

this is literally the most hilarious mix i have every seen im crying help

And as a fan of Ares, thank you even more for writing him in a sympathetic manner – I’ve always felt he got a raw deal in the myths and it makes me really happy to see him portrayed as a basically decent guy doing a horribly unpleasant job. One of my favorite myths of Ares was when he marched into the Underworld to rescue Thanatos, who got imprisoned there by Sisyphus. Do you have a spin on that story? :) either way thank you for being awesome!! (2/2)

shanastoryteller:

Hades very rarely
leaves the underworld, especially during the six months when he rules alone.

But when he and
Hecate go where none but them dare to tread, to the dark, unknown corners of
the realm to push it wider, he can’t be disturbed. Icarus doesn’t know what,
exactly, they do, but he knows it’s dangerous, delicate work. As such, neither
Hades nor Hecate can be found during these long days, no matter the cause.

Hades only ever expands
the realm when his wife is here, so that she can rule over the dead in his
absence.

Except for this
time.

“But why can’t you wait?”
Icarus asks, wringing his hands together. “You’ve always been able to wait
before.”

“The realms are
tilting on their own right now, we’ll be able to push it farther than we ever
have,” he says, scanning over the plans that only ever look like a mess of
lines whenever Icarus looks at them. “If we wait, we lose this opportunity.
You’ll be fine. You know how to do it all.”

“I’ve never done it
alone! I’m not you or Persephone – can’t Charon do it? Or Nyx? They’ve been
here longer than I have,” he protests.

Hades looks up and
reaches out a hand to pull Icarus closer. He wants to resists, to be petty
because Hades is making him do something he doesn’t want to do. But Hades asks
for so little, and he’s quite terrible at denying him. His arm curls around
Icarus’s waist, pulling him flush up against his side. Icarus looks up at him,
and one look at those soft, dark eyes has him melting, as always. “You’ll be
amazing, because you are amazing. Nyx and Charon are wonderful. But only you
can do this.”

“Fine,” he says,
giving in, as he suspected he would from the beginning.

Hades has to go
meet Hecate, but he does spend several minutes letting Icarus pin him against
his bookshelves and kiss him, which is rather nice.

~

Icarus opens the
doors to the throne room. Guards line the wall, as is customary, even though
it’s not in use. Two thrones sit there. One is simple and made of gleaming
black obsidian. The other is more elaborate, made of silver and decorated with
bones and blooming vines. Both were made by Hephaestus.

He walks forward,
and no one stops him. No has the authority to stop him, they didn’t even before
Hades left. The only ones who could challenge him are Charon and Styx, and
they’re both staying far away just in case he tries to trick one of them into
taking his place.

There’s nothing for
it. Persephone is gone, Hades is gone, and someone must rule.

He drags his feet
as he takes his final steps forward. Both the thrones are cloaked in power, and
if any but their owners sit in them without permission they would be more
than simply killed, because most people in this realm are already dead. They
would be unmade, erased completely, and nothing could bring them back.

Icarus takes a deep
breath, legs trembling. The he takes the finals step forward and sits on
Hades’s throne.

Nothing happens.

He lets out a sigh
of relief and goes boneless. For all that it looks like it’s made of hard, cold
stone, it’s actually rather comfortable.

Styx and Charon
materialize in front of him, and go into a deep bow. “My king.”

“Shut up,” he
snaps, “You’re lucky I don’t force one of you into this thing instead.”

Charon is making a
raspy sound that Icarus recognizes as laughter. They straighten, and Styx is
grinning, “It suits you, I would just look silly.”

“Flattery won’t
hide your cowardice,” he says. “You’ve been here the longest. It should be you
in this throne.”

“I’m just a kid!”
she protests, “That would be a disaster.” She vanishes without another word. He
wonders if he could use his temporary status to make her come back, but he
won’t risk it. An angry Styx isn’t something he likes dealing with on the best
of days.

Charon holds out
his skeletal hands, and a fat scroll appears. “The most recent logs, King
Thanatos.”

“Please don’t call
me that,” he says, pained. He gets up off the throne and takes the scroll,
“I’ll be in Hades’s study.”

Charon vanishes.
Icarus walks out of the throne room, and the doors slam shut behind him. He
refuses to go back there until Hades returns. Besides, if his lover has taught
him anything, it’s that a ruler that spends more time on a throne than out of
it isn’t very good at his job.

~

For the first two
days, all is well. He’s been doing this work for hundreds of years, it’s
nothing new, evn though for the first time he does it without either Hades of
Persephone to guide him. Then Hermes appears out of beside him, holding a
writhing, reedy looking man. The man’s trying to scream, but no sound is coming
out. “Our King Zeus wishes for Hades to deal with Sisyphus, traitor to the
heavens, personally,” he says, face slack with boredom.

“Hades is busy,” he
says, “Put him in the waiting area with the others. He’ll see to it when he
returns.

Hermes blinks, then
looks uncomfortable. “Zeus wanted it dealt with immediately.”

Icarus is tempted
to tell Hermes that he doesn’t particularly care what the lord of the sky
wants, but he knows that’s not very fair. Hades would never let Zeus take out
his temper on him, but he knows not everyone has that same protection. “Fine.
But I’m too busy to be creative, I’m just going to tie him to a tree in
Tartarus and leave him there to get eaten.”

“That’s
appreciated,” Hermes says, and his instant relief is almost worth the
interruptions to his paperwork. The in-between places are almost full, he has
to start moving people out otherwise – well he doesn’t know what will happen,
but it won’t be good. And for that to happen, he needs to do an awful lot of
paperwork. So he better make this quick.

~

Sisyphus is far
from the first person Icarus has dragged to the depths of the Tartarus. So he’s
not sure how, exactly, he’s the one that ends up pinned and tied to a mountain
as the mortal darts away. Which is annoying, but it’s not like there’s many
places to hide in Tartarus, and he some celestial ropes aren’t really enough to
keep him bound for long.

What is should have
been was only a mild inconvenience.

Instead, it becomes
something so much worse.

In the few hours it
takes him struggle free, great hulking figures have already drawn near, and
Icarus isn’t just the son of an inventor anymore, he’s Thanatos, the Death God,
he’s Hades’s lover and the current king of the underworld.

But in all his long
years on this plane, in all the times he’s been to Tartarus, he’s never
actually seen a titan up close before.

Three of them crowd
around him now, their rotting, pulsating power like a stench clogging his nose
and lungs. He tries to leave, to slip through the planes of this place like he
has so many times before, but nothing happens. He tries again, and again, and
again, but nothing happens.

He’s stuck.

Keep reading

barbiegal:

i say this like once a month but modern artemis would absolutely be a country butch lesbian wearing aviator shades and a messy ponytail and a camo jacket and hunting boots, she’s in a bigass silver truck with a deer skull mounted on the front, she’s got her gold shotgun next to her and there’s like 10 girls in the back of the truck with beers and she’s doing donuts in the bass pro shops parking lot blasting like dixie chicks

haiku-robot:

teashoesandhair:

random-stuff-thrown-into-a-pot:

sylvanheather:

agentmarymargaretskitz:

teashoesandhair:

teashoesandhair:

alianoram:

teashoesandhair:

alianoram:

teashoesandhair:

teashoesandhair:

i-can-do-tricks:

teashoesandhair:

teashoesandhair:

teashoesandhair:

angelicfangirl:

teashoesandhair:

teashoesandhair:

dasfeministmermaid:

teashoesandhair:

A sitcom about the modern Greek gods where everyone is wildly miscast

Zeus is played by Michael Cera

😂😂😂😂 Hephaestus is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

@seerofbirds has cast Danny DeVito as Aphrodite and @qrowxiii has cast Eddie Murphy as Ares, so this is shaping up to be a pretty great TV pitch and if anyone from Hollywood is reading this, could you also consider casting Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson as Hermes and Christopher Walken as Apollo, thanks.

Hera is Oscar Isaac because are you really going to cheat on Oscar Isaac, Michael Cera? Really? You’d do that? You’d look at that man’s face and chase tail somewhere else, Michael Cera, you sack of shit?

I’m dying this is fantastic I NEED THE WHOLE CAST

Hades is Whoopi Goldberg and Persephone is Jeff Goldblum and Demeter is Julie Andrews. Their interplay makes up 70% of the film and is all improvised.

Athena is played by Amy Schumer (thanks anon!) and she defeats her enemies by being incredibly loud and annoying and plagiarising all their tactics and eventually they just give up in irritation. She only has 3 minutes of screen time and no dialogue. Thank fuck.

Heracles is played by Jesse Eisenberg because Michael Cera got to be Zeus. Sometimes they swap roles. No-one notices.

Poseidon is played by Daniel Craig but his only scene is when he reenacts the famous Bond scene with speedos.

Artemis is played by Robert Pattinson and all his lines are just slightly amended from Twilight. Dionysus is played by Helen Mirren. It is perhaps the only apt casting in the film.

To clarify, Hestia is absolutely played by Charles Dance, whose costume includes an apron which gets progressively dirtier throughout the series.

In the sitcom, which precedes the feature film and which focuses on certain myths every episode, Narcissus is played by John Goodman. Echo is played by Billy Crystal. 

Other episodes include the story of Eros and Psyche, played respectively by Jane Fonda and Shirley MacLaine, the story of Daedalus and Icarus, played respectively by Reese Witherspoon and Laura Dern, and the story of Zeus overthrowing Cronus, in which Michael Cera as Zeus must defeat Cronus, as played by John Cena, in a battle of wits and muscle. Astonishingly, he wins.

this is all very good gud

but who is perseus and medusa? jason , Midas, circe, media, please I NEED TO KNOW

These are very important questions and I will answer them immediately.

Perseus and Medusa are played by Andy Samberg and Glenn Howerton. All their scenes together are just them one upping each other with improvised insults.

Jason and Medea are played by John Boyega and Meryl Streep, and all their scenes are so beautifully acted that they both get nominated for Oscars, despite the fact that one of Jason’s lines is “are you trying to fleece me out of the golden fleece?”, to which Medea replies “me, fleece you? Oh no, me dear.”

Midas is played by Steve Buscemi, obviously. For no discernible reason, everything he touches does not turn to gold, but copper alloy. This is possibly due to budget cuts. Due to their on screen chemistry, he bizarrely has several buddy cop style scenes with Jeff Goldblum’s Persephone.

Circe does not appear. If she did, she would be played by Audrey Hepburn, using that creepy CGI from the Galaxy adverts, but her estate refuse to give their permission.

Important updates:

(Anonymous suggests: Kelsey Asbille Chow playing Achilles, Michelle Obama is Thetis, Danny Trejo as Helen, Terry Crewes as Paris, and Adrien Brody as Hector. olvmpos says: Ganymede is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and regularly benchpresses Michael Cera.)

Hey @teashoesandhair I’m not saying that I felt inspired and sketched Whoopi Goldberg and Jeff Goldblum as Hades and Persephone but that’s exactly what I’m saying

OH GOD THIS IS PERFECTION. THANK YOU. JUST THANK YOU. PHENOMENAL.

YOU’RE WELCOME BUT ALSO PLEASE HELP COS I CAN’T STOP

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE POSTER FOR THE SERIES, YOU HEAR ME

I’m mad that people are just reblogging the first post here because YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON THE MOST INCREDIBLE ARTWORK YOU’LL EVER SEE

I’M HOWLING WE NEED THIS

This is a riot! 🤣 LOVE the artwork!! ❤❤

BUT WHERE DOES WOODY HARRELSON FIT INTO THIS


also that art is as close to perfection as you get, but don’t tell Aphrodite, she’d be jealous

WOODY HARRELSON IS IO AND I WON’T HEAR A WORD SAID AGAINST IT

woody harrelson
is io and i won’t hear a
word said against it


^Haiku^bot^7. I detect haikus with 5-7-5 format. Sometimes I make mistakes. | Who do I read? | Contact | HAIKU BOT NO | Good bot! | Selfie | Meep morp! Zeet!

Alternative Titles for the Iliad

patroclusmyson:

1-Hello Naughty Trojans it’s Murder Time

2-100 Times a Therapist was Needed

3-This War Really Wasn’t Worth it

4-Fight Club but it’s just Achilles

5-Patroclus Didn’t Deserve this

6-Things Historians Pretend isn’t Gay

7-Nothing Means Anything we’re all Going to Die

8-Hector Gets his Ass Handed to Him

9-There is no Heterosexual Explanation for This

10-Fuck it up, Achilles

11-Someone is Responsible for this but not Helen

cloudfreed:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer: The cyclops asks you who you are. What do you do?

Odysseus’s player: I say, “Who me? I’m nobody.”

Homer: Roll for deception.

Odysseus’s player: I got a natural 20.

Homer: The cyclops now completely believes that your name is Nobody. He shouts for help from the other cyclops but they ignore him because he’s telling them that “Nobody hurt him.”

Odysseus’s player:
FUCK yes

sindri42:

natural–blues:

justnuts:

democracyandassassination:

hawk-and-handsaw:

reverse hades/persephone, where the young daughter of summer uses plant magic to ensnare the lord of darkness and keep him prisoner in a beautiful garden above ground. Eventually, enchanted by her cleverness and wild youth he agrees to eat six pomegranate seeds and stay with her for half of every year. 

# ID READ THE FUCK OUT OF THAT # HE TRIES BEING ALL IMPOSINGLY MIGHTY AND WRATHFUL WHILE PERSPHONE JUST GOES ON WATERING THE FLOWERS OUTSIDE HIS CAGE # HE PETITIONS TO AT LEAST GET SOME DEATHBELL AND NIGHTSHADE AND ASPHODEL GROWING IN THERE BUT IT’S ALL LOTUSES AND SUNFLOWERS AND APPLES # AND LIKE CORN EVERYWHERE HE FUCKING HATES CORN # THEY COMPROMISE ON POMEGRANATES (x)

It’d be even funnier if the other gods show up all “Persephone, hey, you got the lord of death in there so no one’s dying anymore and the world is getting too full—” “Not my problem”

@kelkat9

This would of course lead to a word in which there is no winter, but people can only die for six months out of the year. Which is a heck of a setting for all kinds of story.

papillon-noirsblog:

erinye:

skippercifer:

solluxismsnowaifu:

future-mrs-frost:

why do so many “icarus and the sun” artworks and stories portray the sun as a woman? do y’all know who controlled the sun? apollo. icarus is gay as fuck, y’all.

Sometimes it was helios, not Apollo. Icarus was still gay as fuck

“Icarus we just escaped prison don’t ruin it by flying too close to the sun”

[Icarus already fucking launching himself across the sky for the sake of some godly dick]

woops

image
image

Guy getting himself killed to get some godly dick is propably the most Greek thing to ever happen in mythology

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there are a lot of super aesthetic posts about achilles with all these pictures of figs and ichor and whatnot which is fine and cool but i would like to see more posts that recognize that achilles is the type of guy to tie a knife to a roomba and set it off in his tent whenever agamemnon tries to visit him

like yeah achilles is the son of a goddess and the greatest warrior of the greeks and a prince but he’s also the sort of guy who straight up eats protein powder before getting into a knife fight with god in the alley next to the gym

zandre0428:

lawful-evil-novelist:

magical-girl-kyra:

demon-witchling:

kotilae:

Shenanigans at Mount Olympus

Thats what happened in canon.

Depends on the canon.  There are versions where Hephaestus was born to Hera alone, similar to how Zeus “gave birth” to Athena.  Then when Hephaestus tried to protect Hera from Zeus’s advance, the skygod hurled him off of Olympus

I think it’s pretty striking that the version where Zeus throws Hephaestus not only makes more sense considering Hera’s traditional traits, it is also not the Athenian version.  It is part of the Spartan mythology, as Sparta had a much more favorable view on Hera (who had a very good relationship with their patron gods, Ares and Enyo, as Ares was her son and Enyo was her daughter-in-law).

Like Athens had a pretty vested interest in never showing anyone but like, Athena and Zeus in a positive light.  I have at least 7 separate rants about how the Athenian depictions of Ares and his wife Enyo are just Athenian propaganda against the Spartans because Ares and Enyo embodied a lot of Spartan ideals about masculinity and femininity (particularly devotion to family, which the Athenians did not believe was a man’s job, and respect for women as equals, as the Athenians believed women to be subhuman) and even more striking, Ares and Enyo had married for love, which most Athenians thought was a completely frivolous practice.

Hera has the same demonization in the Athenian canon, because her traditional trait of being jealous, to the Athenians, was unreasonable, because Zeus was a king.  They also believed that her hatred for his actual born out of wedlock children was unreasonable.  Considering other Greek city-states made it very clear that Zeus was abusive towards Ares and Hephaestus, more so than his other children, many of whom he doted on.  I think a pretty telling thing is that Hera got extremely mad at Zeus when Ares demanded Heracles be punished for literally killing his son and Zeus said the basic equivalent of “You’re my least favorite and Heracles is my favorite so no.”  In most versions, i.e. Spartan and non-Athenian states, Zeus’s reasoning is seen as backwards and wrong, Athens sees it as totally fine and reasonable of good Zeus.

I think it’s important to keep in mind that during the time of the Greeks, the Athenians were hated by a large portion of the other Greek city-states because of how rude and capricious they were.

Also side note Nemesis fucking hated Zeus no matter the mythology so I think when the goddess of revenge thinks someone’s a dick it might be a good idea to agree with that.

I’m reblogging because of the last part. Wowza, I’m not alone in thinking that Zeus is an asshole.