i know i’ve made a post exactly like this before but that trope of a vampire or faerie or anything “other” watching a human from afar and “choosing” them is STILL so wild and uncomfortable to me bc if you watch someone from afar like that you’re gonna form such a romantic image of them in your head that’s actually barely what they’re like 90% of the time but now what the hell are you gonna do you just turned them into a vampire/brought them over to the faerie realm for eternity you’re STUCK with them and THEY’RE stuck with your impulsive naive romantic ass like
if a vampire watched me from afar they’re gonna catch me smelling wild flowers, talking to crows, and walking barefoot through creeks but they never see me inside and now they’re stuck, listening to me complain about the Naruto epilogue again. Again. They’re so tired. “Molly Anne,” they say. “Molly Anne please. It’s been two-hundred years.” I keep going. The betrayal still feels fresh.
you know what i really want? a modern dudebro vampire. just a typical obnoxious straight boy in a neon tank top and cargo shorts who also happens to be a creature of the night.
“okay, dude, i’m only feeding on you ‘cause i’m starving and there aren’t any hot girls around. no homo.” “wait, you’re gonna suck my blood?” “no, i’m gonna drink your blood. i don’t suck, that’s gay. don’t make this weird, bro”
“ah, i see you’re staring pensively out the window, chad. ruminating on the curse of your newfound immortality?” “nah man, it’s just… i got, like, some flecks of blood on my adidas while i was feeding and they haven’t come out…”
“we do not drink… wine.” “okay but is beer cool? and can we still smoke weed?”
he joins a 24-hour gym because being undead and allergic to sunlight is no excuse for skipping leg day. tragic music swells as he looks over his “sun’s out guns out” tanks (he has seven of them). his coven is a fraternity. someone make this happen
ask and ye shall recieve
He’s wearing a monster shirt that’s so ducking great 👍🏽
why does so much post apocalypse media have people wearing straight up bdsm/fetish gear like. do the kinksters watch the world ending and think “oh boy i can wear my bondage gear in public now”
thats actually exactly what happens
What I wanna know is why the spiky kink warriors are always the bad evil marauders. They might be into some weird shit and unafraid to show it but that doesn’t mean they want to go around killing dudes. They’re a tight-knit bunch. A lot of them are queer. They understand the importance of community.
If the government collapses and all laws come to an end, the people rampaging around killing and looting are gonna be like, frat boys and 4chan rejects. You can mistrust the bondage raiders all you like but they’re definitely the ones you’re going to run to for help when the neoliberal blood cultists and Nazi meme demons lay siege to your survivor enclave. There’s gonna be gayboy berserkers busting up slaver gangs and burning down warboy frat houses. The assless-chaps leather daddies and weird petplay people are gonna be the accidental peacekeepers of the post-apocalyptic world just because they’re the only motherfuckers who understand the importance of consent anymore.
Listen. Don’t come to me asking how to get the secret cadre of bisexual death commandoes to protect your wretched tent village if you’re scared that we might call in the kinksters for backup. I don’t give a shit if they dress up like dogs and spend all day writing poems about butt plugs. There’s assholes out there acting like Vlad the Impaler on a meth bender and you’re afraid of seeing a nipple. Fuck you. If you really want to get rid of the MRA death gangs you’re going to have to accept that a lesbian chainsaw dominatrix or two might be involved. It’s the fucking post-apocalypse my guy we gotta weigh our priorities here
why does so much post apocalypse media have people wearing straight up bdsm/fetish gear like. do the kinksters watch the world ending and think “oh boy i can wear my bondage gear in public now”
thats actually exactly what happens
What I wanna know is why the spiky kink warriors are always the bad evil marauders. They might be into some weird shit and unafraid to show it but that doesn’t mean they want to go around killing dudes. They’re a tight-knit bunch. A lot of them are queer. They understand the importance of community.
If the government collapses and all laws come to an end, the people rampaging around killing and looting are gonna be like, frat boys and 4chan rejects. You can mistrust the bondage raiders all you like but they’re definitely the ones you’re going to run to for help when the neoliberal blood cultists and Nazi meme demons lay siege to your survivor enclave. There’s gonna be gayboy berserkers busting up slaver gangs and burning down warboy frat houses. The assless-chaps leather daddies and weird petplay people are gonna be the accidental peacekeepers of the post-apocalyptic world just because they’re the only motherfuckers who understand the importance of consent anymore.
Listen. Don’t come to me asking how to get the secret cadre of bisexual death commandoes to protect your wretched tent village if you’re scared that we might call in the kinksters for backup. I don’t give a shit if they dress up like dogs and spend all day writing poems about butt plugs. There’s assholes out there acting like Vlad the Impaler on a meth bender and you’re afraid of seeing a nipple. Fuck you. If you really want to get rid of the MRA death gangs you’re going to have to accept that a lesbian chainsaw dominatrix or two might be involved. It’s the fucking post-apocalypse my guy we gotta weigh our priorities here
can we take a moment to just think about how incredibly scary magical healing is in-context?
You get your insides ripped open but your friend waves his hands and your flesh just pulls back together, agony and evisceration pulling back to a ‘kinda hurts’ level of pain and you’re physically whole, with the 100% expectation that you’ll get back up and keep fighting whatever it was that struck you down the first time.
You break your arm after falling somewhere and after you’re healed instead of looking for ‘another way around’ everybody just looks at you and goes “okay try again”.
You’ve been fighting for hours, you’re hungry, thirsty, bleeding, crying from exhaustion, and a hand-wave happens and only two of those things go away. you’re still hungry, you’re still weak from thirst, but the handwave means you have ‘no excuse’ to stop.
You act out aggressively maybe punch a wall or gnash your teeth or hit your head on something and it’s hand-waved because it’s ‘such a small injury you probably can’t even feel it anymore’ but the point was that you felt it at all?
Your pain literally means nothing because as long as you’re not bleeding you’re not injured, right? Here drink this potion and who cares about the emotional exhaustion of that butchered village, why are you so reserved in camp don’t you think it’s fun retelling that time you fell through a burning building and with a hand-wave you got back up again and ran out with those two kids and their dog?
Older warriors who get a shiver around magic-users not because of the whole ‘fireball’ thing but the ‘I don’t know what a normal pain tolerance is anymore’ effect of too much healing. Permanent paralysis and loss of sensation in limbs is pretty much a given in the later years of any fighter’s life. Did I have a stroke or did the mage just heal too hard and now this side of my face doesn’t work? No i’m not dead from the dragon’s claws but I can’t even bend my torso anymore because of how the scar tissue grew out of me like a vine.
Magical healing is great and keeps casualties down.
But man.
That stuff is scary.
shit just got creepy
Or maybe magical healing doesn’t leave scars or damage. It is magical, after all.
So after years of fighting, your skin is still perfect. Unmarred. In fact, you’re actually in better shape than regular people who don’t get magical healing when they fall out of trees or walk into doors or cut themselves while cooking dinner. You’re in such good shape that it’s unnatural.
And the really good healing magic takes away more than just the obvious injuries. You first start noticing it after about ten years when you go home and haha, you look the same age as your younger sibling, that’s funny.
Not so funny ten years later when they look older. Or forty years later, when you bury them still looking like you did at twenty. When do you retire from this gig anyway? How much damage is too much damage?
How many times do you glimpse the afterlife, or worse, how many times don’t you? What do you live through, get used to, show no outward sign of except a perfectly healthy body, too perfect for any person living a real life.
How many times are you sitting in a tavern with your friends and you hear the whispers, because the people around you know. How can they not know? Your weapons shine with enchantments and your armour is better than the best money can buy and there is not a damn scar on you. You hardly seem human to them.
How long before you hardly seem human to yourself?
And you find yourself struggling to remember the places where the scars should have been, phantom pains that wake you screaming, touching all the old injuries and finding nothing there. It’s all in your head. Was it ever anywhere else?
How long before you’re fighting a lich or a vampire or some other undead monster and you wonder…
I kind of want to see a story about an elf; tall, beautiful, clumsy as fuck, and an industrial worker who can’t do archery to save themselves and swears all the time.
And I kind of want to see a story about a dwarf; short, robust, hairy, elegant, sweet, very refined and a lover of poetry who’s never said a rude word in their life.
I just think it would be an interesting change of pace.
they’re girlfriends
they’re super fucking cute and i need more of this.
Requires Fantasy Novel Things (feel free to add more)
– Title contains the words “Wolf/Rose/Sword/Dark/Crown/Throne”
– Unexplained white haired girl
– Evil Queen that is definitely a red head
– The one black haired guy that dresses in all black but his eyes are blue and beautiful
– Special Eyes™
– Someone turns into an animal and exactly one (1) person might question it
– The Blacksmith
– The mysterious hooded woman in the woods (bonus points if she has a fancy stick)
– Barn sex
– The fastest horse in the land that gets shot by an arrow on page 215
– The one soft spoken healer that gives life changing advice and then is never mentioned again
– A truly excessive amount of dead parents
– Everyone is British except for one inexplicable Irish guy
-traveling unreasonable distances by magic and still not having time travel to save aforementioned dead parents
-that one person who calls magic stupid and believes surgery is the next step for man
-dragons in general
-at least one character or place with a Y in the name -The Village Festival is the biggest event of the year -the word “lithe” -the nice innkeeper with their mean spouse -a character unused to hygiene who freaks out about having to wash
– long and arduous road trip to the Place of the Specific Adjective and/or Noun – the Castle Ball where the heroine wears The Dress which is described in great detail – medieval weaponry 101 – the three drinks of fantasy: ale, wine, and fairy wine – there’s always someone with a Napoleon complex – the Moon cycle and the Solstices
– Orphans raised by orphans until the orphans raising the orphans die tragically leaving orphaned orphans.
– Dark Lord of the Evil Darkness. Wears black, hell bent on destroying the world but is really just misunderstood. Often is either strikingly beautiful or has pronounced physical feature such as missing nose, body burnt by lava, pink eye.
– Gambler/Drunkard character with foul mouth but loveable sense of humour. Kind of like that one weird uncle every one has but usually less creepy.
– Hard to acquire mystical artifact, MC must go through trial similar to battling for 50 inch flat screen on Black Friday.
– The orphans grow to adulthood, fall in love, have children of their own. Their children become orphans.
– Ancient prophecy. Must be vague enough to be misinterpreted.
– Cryptic signalling of end times. Fish dying, wolves grow bolder, moon turns blood red, comet in the sky, tv shows that should not be cancelled, are.
– Quiet, brooding guy, has hidden endearing talent such as: knows how to repair vintage horse carriages or plays the lute.
– Sean Bean dies.
-the Powerful Immortal Race will help exactly one (1) time
-the roar of some great beast (may or may not be an actual beast)
-the [blanking] of the [blank] of the [blank]
-the hero of a famous battle that everyone knows about in spite of the lack of news media or efficient means of travel
-magic can’t be used to help the common people because of Reasons™
-The Common People
-bedding down for the night
-The Rest Stop, the only time our heroes get some sleep, someone Wise states the obvious and they receive Unique Items
You guys I just realized that what I’ve always wanted out of werewolf fiction is a story where lycanthropy isn’t a purely human condition
Like this dude wakes up from his wolfbender and his room is full of all these fucking chickens from local farms that he initiated into his pack. They all start clucking and crowing at the moon and when it’s full they all transform into these tiny little weird bipedal wolves with wings.
I don’t remember making this post but it’s going around again and I’m losing my shit
i had a dream about fucking… vampire discourse on tumblr like;
“reminder that blood sucker is a slur”
“vamp-born-vamps are valid if u got bitten later in life you’re not part of the vamp community”
“support vamps who drink human blood, support vamps who drink animal blood, support vamps who drink animal and human blood”
fantasy tumblr would be fucking insufferable
god can you even imagine
“If you only have two legs you’re human-passing and don’t belong in the fantasy community”
“What about satyrs?’
“You can wear shoes”
“Just a reminder that if you appropriate mermaid culture you’re a piece of shit”
“Actually we don’t mind because a lot of our culture comes from humans”
“Shapeshifters aren’t valid because they can be human if they want”
Oh my god it gets worse and worse
Listen Sweaty 🙂 🙂 🙂 Bigfoots and Jersey Devils aren’t REAL mythfolk 🙂 🙂 You r just confuused humans :)))
stop fetishizing incubi
stop fetishizing incubi
stop fetishizing incubi
stop fetishizing incubi
stop fetishizing incubi
stop fetishizing incubi
ONLY
👏FAIRIES
👏CAN
👏MAKE
👏FAIRY
👏RINGS
Why the FUCK did no one tag me in this
Werewolves are still werewolves no matter what form they’re in. We don’t stop being werewolves when we’re in human form, we don’t stop being werewolves when we’re in wolf form. Stop werewolf erasure!
Listen, I’ve been in a committed relationship with a selkie for over ten years. I can tell you that whole hiding-the-pelt-thing is total bullshit. If he wanted to leave he could, I am not holding him hostage. Please, stop spreading this hurtful misinformation.
Support veelas who dance naked at the crossroads
Support veelas who seduce random townspeople
Support veelas who take shepherds as lovers
STOP SLUT SHAMING VEELAS!!!!!!!
friendly reminder that “ghost” is a term reserved for noncorporeals. if you’re semicorporeal you’re a poltergeist. stop calling poltergeists ghosts.
destroy the idea that zombies “need” to eat brains
some zombies can’t eat brains due to physical conditions that make them too weak to gnaw through the skull
some zombies can’t digest them
some zombies just don’t like the taste
all of these zombies are STILL VALID
DONT 👏 HOARD 👏 ITEMS 👏 UNLESS 👏 YOU 👏 A 👏 DRAGON
This post gets worse every time I see it
OhmyGOD
LET👏SHIFTERS👏INTO👏THE👏COMMUNITY👏👏👏👏 THIS INCLUDES ALL SHIFTERS!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
hydras with nine heads are just as valid as hydras with twenty
“half bloods who are human presenting don’t belong in the community”
stop calling demons evil just because they defied an oppressive system
demigods have a right to both halves of their heritage!
Support dragons that don’t breathe fire.
Support lesbian Sirens!
Support bisexual Sirens!
Support asexual Sirens!
Support pansexual Sirens!
Stop assuming Sirens are straight!
Nephilim are not evil monsters. We cannot help but look this way. One of our parents were angels, okay? I don’t pretend to understand. I am BORN THIS WAY.
sparksoffandommagic 