question. i was reading ‘hockey shit with ransom and holster’ and i noticed this:
so, if the locker room court is judged by the captain…does that mean jack had to wear shades and dole out judgement?
i’m just thinking about sweet sweet jack zimmermann sitting in the archives trying to find precedents about old judgments from previous captains and managers. they are not organized men and women; it has taken him many hours to decipher their scrawled minutes from “court.” the librarian comes up to him, worried by the sweat on his brow and his serious expression.
“are you working on a project, dear?” she asks. (she is likely 70 years old. she went to samwell. she was alicia zimmermann’s librarian.)
“no,” jack answers, looking up at her with the most intense expression she’s ever seen on a student. “my team keeps shitting in the bus and i need to figure out how much to fine them.”
A daring move. Jack Zimmermann’s coming out picture, seen on the front of ESPN’s May edition, seems to defy anyone who would oppose him.
(after five hours of awkward Jack in front of a camera, someone had the BRILLANT IDEA of taking the picture after 1- the Falconers won a match and 2- letting Jack and Bitty alone in an empty room for 20 minutes. The result was a success.)
A small part of me that takes great pleasure in seeing Jack having awkward talks with his teammates and hopes the trend continues.
Like imagine:
Jack: My boyfriend was wondering if you would like to come for dinner, since he has heard so much about you and…
Tater *outraged and on the verge of tears*: You end things with girlfriend who made pies? Why!?!? She made you happy Zimboni and she made us best pie! So much pie.
Jack *sigh*: Actually…
–
Poots: Oh! So Bitty isn’t single… that’s a shame.
I really wanted to ask him out.
Jack *eyebrow twitch, full on unimpressed face*: Ha. Ha… Don’t.
(Etc, feel free to add more)
Snowy: That explains that time we found a naked guy at your apartment. Jack *internally screaming*: Actually, that’s not my boyfriend but my best friend. Snowy: Right… is it the guy who had a spreadsheet about your butt? Jack: No that’s because, actually I don’t know why he had one this time. Snowy: The guy you were wrestling with on the floor? Jack *face palming*
“Wow considering we thought you were low key fooling around with at least 3 hot hockey players plus that pie-baking goddess you claimed was “just a friend” we are really intrigued to find out what kind of guy could lock you down as a boyfriend!“
Jack “why do my teammates always think I’m a player” Zimmermann just wants a quiet night in with hand holding and pie.
“So you’re dating the pie guy.”
“Yes.”
“But that’s NOT the guy on your old team who made the ‘Marry Me Jack Zimmermann’ sign and waves it around at games.” (I.e. Any given SMH member, depending on the day)
a cp! play where parse is exactly the same as draco malfoy from a very potter musical. he speaks with a totally inexplicable british accent even though he’s from new york. he rolls into epikegster on the floor saying: “i wouldn’t believe it if i weren’t seeing it for myself. jack zimmermann. at a party. taking a selfie” and then he poses dramatically and says “hey, zimms. didja miss me?”
“you know who i think is the ugliest player in the nhl? jack laurent zimmermann. you know what i’d give him, on a scale of 1 to 10??? (with one being the ugliest and ten being the prettiest?) i’d give him…an 8. 8.5. or a 9. no higher than a 9.8, because there’s always room for improvement. not everyone can be perfect, like me. but i’m holding out for a 10. because i’m worth it.”
“You can’t just GO to the las vegas aces. You need a rocket ship!”
“Do YOU have a rocketship, Zimmermann? I bet you do! You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents won the Stanley Cup. Look at this! Rocketship Zimmermann! Starkid Zimmermann! Moonshoes Zimmerman, traversing the galaxy for intergalatic travels to the NHL!”
– Jack Zimmermann had a crap ton of cliche teen angst and has at some point said the following things to his parents “ugh….you just don’t get it!” “Gawd your so humiliating…Papa stop waving he see’s you! People can see.” and “Mama I am not wearing that to school! i don’t care if it was on the runway in Milan last week it has feathers!”
–Jack had a boombox in his room and whenever he was feeling particularly Extra he’d turn it up all the way and blast French Rap, which Bad Bob Zimmermann hated so much it made him want to set the boombox on fire.
– Jack has a tongue piercing…he absolutely does…he 100% has a tongue piercing you can ply this head cannon away from my cold dead hands. This closeted-Emo grumpy motherfucker has a fucking tongue piercing. (when Bitty finds out thats a whole other post all together) (when Shitty finds out Thats a whole other post all together) Surprisingly when Bob saw it, he just rolled his eyes. Alicia almost had a heart attack. “He put a hole in his tongue Bob….HE’S SIXTEEN!”
-Whenever Jack was angry at his Dad, he’d show up at Hockey games wearing the opposing teams Jersey. “Hey Bob, What the fucks your son doing in a Senators Jersey?” “I’m making him miss hockey practice to go to Alicia’s movie premiere.”
–Jack once wrote a paper on how Henri Richards ( the record holder for the most Stanley cup wins) was his hero, and Bob said belligerently ‘ Jack I’m your father, i’ve won two Stanley cups!’ and Jack replied ‘Yes but have you won eleven?’
–Pre overdose Jack has one thousand percent snuck out of the house to go to a party, and I assume they live in a three-four story detached family home that looks more like a castle than a house with an iron gate and electronic locks and the whole nine, so imagine not only a pubescent and drunk Jack Zimmermann trying to climb down and scale the wall of that house but also trying to climb a giant iron fence at two in the morning and getting caught by his father with a flashlight a robe and bunny slippers.
-Jack Zimmermann has experimented with both girls and boys in the confines of his room and at many high school house parties and has come home covered in hickies that look like he got slapped in the neck with a puck and Alicia just about loses her mind…Bob snaps a picture for his embarrassing Jack Photo collection.
-Bad Bob does that Dad thing where he rhymes everything and thinks it’s hilarious like “Hey Papa this is my friend Paul-” “Oh yeah, paul eh? tall paul from montreal? Gonna have a ball?” Jack’s facial expression is a solid mix between wanting somebody to mercy kill him and wanting someone to mercy kill his father. He later gets back at him by wearing a leafs jersey to one of his games (the leafs weren’t even playing)
– Alicia makes the whole family do a professionally done Christmas photo every year to send to family in matching Christmas sweaters. Jack believes he had burned them all in the great cleansing of ‘09′. It’s not until Shitty’s multimedia best man speech at his wedding that he realized his father had kept electronic copies and a very embarrassing photo of Jack with a floppy Bieber fringe, eyeliner, a serious scowl, and a bright red sweater that has a giant stocking sewn on his broadcast for his utter humiliation.
-Jack wrote lyrics on his shoes in permanent marker. These weren’t eighty dollar converse…these were 2000 dollar Rick Owens running shoes his Mom brought back from France.
LISTEN bitty and holster are like the dynamic duo for being dramatic and petty. Sometimes holster will dramatically slam bitty’s door open and fling himself practically into bitty’s lap and be like “you’ll never GUESS what I just heard William Poindexter say” and bitty will literally shove his textbook and homework off the bed and gasp and be like “TELL ME”. And then they literally just spend three hours bitching and gossiping
j remembered that shitty canonically shouted “MOTHERFUCKING BABY GOATS” in a fit of excitement over a petting zoo on river quad and idk, ive just never related more to a moment in any work of fiction
Dex and Nursey team up during christmas time to hide some of their own decorations into the mass of christmas that exploded in the Haus.
These decorations include, but are not limited to:
The “chris” mas tree which is literally photos of every celebrity Chris in the known world hung up on the tree by paperclips. Of course a picture of Chowder is the star of this tree.
Pictures of the grinch baby everywhere. Imagine going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and seeing a big green grinch baby staring back at you
Ransom cried
An Elf on the Shelf doll which is refashioned to look like Jack. Bitty thinks its adorable, the rest think its creepy af. Jack is always watching
At least three Beats Pills all hidden and hooked up to a bluetooth that blasts christmas music at any time. Even this one freaks them out though, when a bunch of early 90s christmas favorites that neither of them chose blast through one night. They figure it was the lax bros thinking it was a shitty prank
A goat with a red nose was brought up to the attic (“we couldn’t find a reindeer”)
Dex putting red and green food coloring in bitty’s food so everything looks festive.
And last, and certainly not least (but certainly the most cliche) Mistletoe. It didn’t change much, except more plausible deniability in peoples kisses. Also tango got sad when he saw it because he thought parts of the christmas tree got stuck…in every room of the haus.
sparksoffandommagic 