okay so i had this half written and then didnt touch my computer for a week oops. so a list of stupid shit bitty has done that no one expects despite the fact he is a college student, a hockey player, a boy, and only 21:
shotgunned a beer at 10am the friday before finals bc fuck his life he’d been studying all week and if he aint ready now hes never gonna be
once nearly took out the legs of the dining room table trying to escape a post workout holster by sliding through the kitchen
ate a cold pizza straight from the box for breakfast because he was running late to class and it had been left on the table the night before
nearly fell off the roof while smoking with shitty and lardo
actually fell into the school swimming pool when the current seniors decided they wanted to break into the pool at 3am on a whim
nearly got arrested for trespassing in the park after dark bc shitty decided he wanted to play frisbee in the dark at 11pm
bitty actually was the least likely to get arrested considering he straight up vaulted over a short brick wall and tore down the side of hill away from the cop car
the others were honestly really impressed with his reaction time
did several chinese fire drills with the frogs the last time they drove to providence to see the falcs play (nursey nearly didn’t make it back into the car the very last time)
did a shot of absinthe to prove that his alcohol tolerence was amazing fuck you very much zack jimmermann
woke up the next morning on the cursed couch with a box of mickey d’s chicken nuggets sitting on his stomach and possibly a rash from said cursed couch
bus surfed (as in, balancing in the aisles without holding on not on top of the bus) on the local bus and nearly killed an old lady
rode down the Haus stairs in a laundry basket bc other than lardo and foxtrot he was the only one who would fit (lardo was too stressed and foxtrot has done some stupid shit with the boys but she at least has that much sense)
honestly i could probably come up with more but this was getting long
A concept: Eric R. Bittle Jr. loves baking, cooking, making delicious foods, no? Well he doesn’t give a FUCk about presentation, or plating, or anything of that nature.
He will eat the food he just cooked hot out of the oven, burning his hand and mouth, leaning over the sink. It’s not uncommon to find him and Tango eating directly from the pie plate. Setting the table is for special occasions. Silverware? If he CAN eat it with his hands he WILL eat it with his hands. Also will eat an entire huge Tupperware of a side dish as a meal. Has been found watching tv with a bowl of reheated mashed potatoes in his lap. Has been found making just mashed potatoes for a snack. His dinner was once half the loaf of bread he just made because it smelled so good and it was so warm the butter melted on it. Lunch is often a variety of leftovers, none of which are from the same meal, thrown in a bowl together and microwaved.
What I’m saying is he has the skill of a chef and the sensibilities of a frat boy.
lisTEN Tater and Bitty have like, not a single impulse control between the two. Oftentimes people get fooled by Bitty’s politeness, need for a clean kitchen, and preference for people not to spit on the ground (LOOKING AT YOU, NURSEY, YOU GROSS COLLEGE BOY) and think, this is a reasonable and level headed young man! they are wrong.
Tater: B! What if I get huge soda bottles, big ones, and shake them.
Bitty: D: that makes it go flat though, do you not like the fizz?
Tater: *shakes his head* No, no. I strap them onto me and shake them and then BOOM! I fly.
Bitty: Hmm, I don’t think so…
Tater: :((((((
Bitty: You’re too gosh darn heavy! Strap it on me!
Tater: :DDDDDDDD
Tater: B! B! Guess what!
Bitty: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?
Tater: *shows a picture* new motorcycle! I see it, I like it, now it’s mine!
Bitty: *fans himself really hard because he LOVES those bikes* oh dear
Tater: You one of my best friend. First person I ask to ride with me.
Bitty: Mister Tater! I am delighted and honored!
And then they proceed to ride the motorcycle WITHOUT A HELMET until they get pulled over by a cop, and tater’s telling the story to the team later and jack hyperventilates because HIS BOYFRIEND WAS ON A MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET.
One day jack walks into the kitchen to find Tater with tears streaming down his very red face as Bitty feeds him pieces of what looks like mini pie and asking “how about this? is this spicy enough?”
“I’m feel dying and my soul return to heaven. Not enough. Do more.”
Tater: What I’m be for Halloween? Has to be sexy.
Bitty: Haha what about a stripper
They look at each other and an electrical moment passes between them
Tater: I’m go shave my legs now!!!
Bitty: Yes you do that and I’m going online right NOW to find the perfect costume!!!
Tater: WHY THIS RAZOR SO SHARP??
Bitty: here let me shave you!
And then when Tater’s practicing his routine, he routinely asks Bitty whether it’s sexy enough. He’s not doing it very close to Bitty (bc Bitty’s personal space expands when there’s stripping involved by ppl other than jack)
Tater: Weird to ask Jack, you know. He my teammate.
Bitty: I completely understand, and oh dear this is making me blush! *giggles*
Tater: *performs another body roll*
Bitty: *giggles*
That one time Bitty went to the hospital because Tater thought it would be a funny prank to empty out a windex bottle and pour blue gatorade in it so Bitty can shock everyone, but someone accidentally switched the bottle so Bitty drank a mouthful of actual windex.
I feel like Tater’s like the one person who finally convinced Bitty to try weed? Like in the sense that Tater’s never tried it because the fear of his parents is strong, and Bitty’s only had contact high before and never bothered with actually trying it himself. And Tater is curious bc it seems like a lot of the college athletes are high and he wants to try! And Bitty because oh well, if you want to try it I’ll do it too!
They chose a time during the off season, so that Tater won’t get in trouble. And Bitty makes the most delicious weed brownies in existence. And then Tater promptly forgets that they’re weed brownies and eat wayyyy too much and Bitty’s too high to deal with him and Jack comes home to two grown men giggling over his couch. (Tater’s okay, bitty made sure not to bake too much.)
That one time Tater wrenched his shoulder dabbing with Bitty on the ice.
When Bitty was super drunk and Tater handed him a banana and Bitty deepthroated it in front of everyone and then promptly choked and almost died.
That time they were lighting fireworks with their bare hands and didn’t get injured at ALL.
Georgia had to give a little talk to Jack about how tater and bitty should never be left alone, and maybe Jack can thirdwheel some of their hangouts a little bit more?
Jack: I’m the one dating Bitty, you know.
Georgia: He’s an amazing person, but I also need his friendship with Tater to change into something less life threatening.
“in which instead of actually playing hockey, the guys play shitty (pun intended) DIY punk in a band called Soft Hands. classically-trained pianist eric bittle doesn’t quite know what’s hit him.”
Bitty doing the “My Boyfriend Does My Voice Over” tag on YouTube with Jack narrating him baking a pretty basic pie and Jack still manages to fumble most of it like:
“Okay, now I’m just throwing in some…salt?…NO, SUGAR! Sugar! You don’t put salt in pies.“
“You’ve got to cut this doughy bit into strips so that you can…weave a basket cover for the pie…I don’t know, it’s called the crust, eh.”
“I don’t…I don’t know what I’m doing…”
And then there’s him just gently chirping Bittle throughout.
“I never use pre-canned fruits even though that would save me loads of time and I could actually leave some cherries in the house for Jack to eat…”
“Oh I’m dancing now…probably to Beyonce.”
“I don’t like these pans I’m using. I complain about them all the time but I think I’m being slick.”
But mostly it’s just him being totally gone on Bitty
“That’s not my shirt. That’s Jack’s shirt that he’s been looking for for three weeks…it looks better on me though.”
“I think I’ll be really excited that Jack got me the new pan set I’ve been talking about for my birthday…but it’s a surprise.”
“I look really good in the light in our kitchen. That’s why Jack has so many pictures of me in here…cause I’m beautiful.”
So I ended up doing more with that tattoo artist/florist au lol….
Bitty’s has Moomaw’s apple pie recipe on his back. Lardo’s tats are half secret, but the first one she ever got were vampire marks on her neck when she was sixteen – she was going through a phase. She and Bitty have dots on their forearms for every year they’ve been friends.
Shitty’s family owns a chain of flower shops, one of which he works in with his awkward buddy Jack. They are both smitten with the punks across the street.
sparksoffandommagic 