thebibliosphere:

thebibliosphere:

gallusrostromegalus:

thebibliosphere:

thebibliosphere:

“Ridiculously easy buttermilk biscuits!” You click the link. It’s a novella about finding inner peace in suburbia. You never knew you were disturbed till now.

“Ridiculously easy green beans!” You click the link, there are twelve ingredients. None of them are green beans.

“Ridiculously easy salted pistachio caramel latte coffee cake in three easy steps!” You click the link. There are twelve steps. 

“Ridiculously easy marshmallow fondant!“ You click the link. It’s another novella about suburbia, this time about the dangers of feeding chemicals to your children. You wonder when you acquired these children and worry about their eyes. They are too bright, too happy, too shining…

“Ridiculously easy evaporated milk custard!*” *Must own own cow.

“Ridiculously easy shortcake in 12 steps!” You click the link. There are no steps.

“Ridiculously easy, easy to make, easy in three minutes, easy!” It doesn’t tell you what you’re making but you’re pretty certain it shouldn’t be hissing.

“Ridiculously easy,” the article reads, “easy, it’s so easy, easy” you hear laughing. Your face hurts why does your face hurt?

“It’s so easy,” you tell you friends, your smile is not your own. You can feel your teeth growing, “so easy, you’ll hardly feel a thing!”

Hunting through my recipe tag and oh god, this relic, this ancient post. My first ever post to get stolen by another website and turned into a meme. Good times.

OH GOD THIS WAS YOU??? MY MOM HAS THIS PRINTED OUT IN THE FAMILY RECIPE BOOK, SLIGHTLY MARRED BY CHOCOLATE CAKE.

It is I, the gothic shitposter. Before I was known for just vampires.

Petition for Welcome to Nightvale to hire me.

Credentials: everyone on this post who thought I copied and pasted one of their skits.

cheesecake-colored:

marsza:

marsza:

I was doing my makeup today while my brother was fixing his hair. It was quiet and we were both busy doing ourselves up, but after I put on mascara I noticed that Nico was staring at me. “Did you know that some guys wear mascara?” he said and I was like pfft, yeah, of course, dude. I know guys who put on way more than I do. Nico just nodded and continued with his hair. A few minutes later, he brought it up again. “I know a guy who played in my baseball team that would put on mascara. It was … cool, I guess.” And after a moment of awkward silence, I turned to him and went: “Nico, do you wanna try some on?”

Yep. He did. He told me so after a little bit of asking, but he felt intimidated to try it on himself. So, I grabbed a really natural looking mascara and lightly put on one coat for him. It wasn’t all cute and serene, btw, it was very us (”fuck, don’t poke my eye out, bro” “nico, are you fuckin serious, i’m not gonna” “aaah, fuck, you’re gonna poke me!” “stop moving!”). But afterward he looked at himself in the mirror and was hesitant. He said he didn’t know if he liked it. And i just shrugged because…I guess, I didn’t want him to think anything wild about it. He could wear mascara or not, but I didn’t want him to be insecure about it all the same. “Well, that’s fine,” I said. “It’s no big. You just wipe it off and it’s gone. You want me to pass you a wipe?”

But he kept staring at himself in the mirror and he was like: No, actually…I like it. It makes my eyes pop. Then Nico turned around and waggled his eyebrows at me and went: bitches love my eyes. they won’t stand a chance now.

Today, Nico came into my room while I was doing my nails and he asked me what’s good with my mascara and I was like ???. Anyways, that was his form of asking for mascara again, checking himself out in the mirror for a minute and a half, and finally declaring: “I fucks with how this makes my eyes look”

Pure

its-me-connor:

one-piece-of-harry:

tomjusttom:

dreshdae:

one-piece-of-harry:

putmymusiconshuffleidareyou:

putmymusiconshuffleidareyou:

one-piece-of-harry:

The real reason it’s a fucking travesty Peter Parker is “straight” is that he would have a fucking field day making gay jokes. Imagine Spiderman wit mixed with millennial gay humour. He’d be unstoppable

[Criminal, or Steve. Or someone] give it to me straight. Why is some kid swinging around and beating up people in Queens?

[Peter] First of all, nothing I do is straight.

[Villain punches him]

[Peter] this is homophobia.

[Someone. Probably Tony] he said nothing about gay people, though?

[Peter] but he hit me. So again. Homophobia.

[Tony] you could not have picked a worse time to come out of the closet.

[Peter] bold of you to assume I was ever in the closet to begin with. I’ve been giving off Chaotic Twink Energy my whole damn life.

Aunt may: so why can’t you get your driver’s license again??

Peter: I’m???? Gay????

This is why we only allow grown-ups to write movie scripts

What if I told you…this whole post was just friends joking around…and not an actual submission for a Spiderman script…you fucking walnut

You heard the Walnuts, guys. We aren’t allowed to have fun anymore.

fugicross:

I love dressing to the nines with my wife and stopping traffic downtown because people are open mouth starring at us. 

I love it when the waiter puts my gin cocktail in front of my femme wife and then puts her neat bourbon in front of me. I wink at the waiter and switch the drinks. 

I love being the only (young) couple who knows how to waltz at weddings. We put on a show. 

I love how she looks in a pencil skirt. She loves my tie collection. 

I love how she kisses me on the forehead while I’m fixing things around the house.

I love it when a man asks me a question about car mechanics and I refer the question to her, my car high femme. 

I love that she puts a happy note in my lunch every day. 

I love how she has my measurements memorized so she can buy me nice shirts when she goes thrifting. 

I love how she still gets excited when I buy her flowers. 

I love when she bakes brownies and she always sets aside two for me, her sugar butch. 

I love how she inspires straight women to ask for more and expect more from their husbands/boyfriends. 

I love being a chivalrous butch and worshiping her as my queen. 

I love subverting gender norms/expectations. Anyone who knows us knows she is the boss.