my professor (lovely man, married to our TA, 5’2", about as intimidating as a muffin) is a dendrologist by trade, so he studies trees. it was about three hours into our social sciences course, last lecture before exams, everyone was frazzled and exhausted, so he told us about his most exciting/in-depth research to date to cheer us up.
(the few of us who actually showed up were like “ok sir im sure its fascinating” but in our minds we were totally like its trees what. is. exciting. about trees. You might be wondering the same thing – the acorns? the leaves? the roots? BUT NO. IMMA FUCKIN TELL YA.)
ANYWAY we settle in, he had a few pictures loaded up from his field work (we were chuckling at this point…. ‘hehehe field work’ i giggled to my frend. its trees.) and began to tell his tale. it’s long, imma warn you, but……. god. just read it.
theres an species of tree called the cucumber tree (Magnolia acuminata, if ya wanna get all Latin-y). its super endangered, in our region there’s only ~280 that are registered by the government, yadda yadda yadda. my prof thought that was tragic (i know) but also strange, because when he was writing his thesis about local trees years ago, he kept coming across cucumber trees in really random places. we’re talking like backyards, independently-owned nurseries, etc. WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE because, according to tree law (i know) it is very strictly protected by the government, and thus super “illegal to possess, transport, collect, buy or sell any part of a living or dead member of a listed species if it originates from wild sources.” essentially, the govt takes control over growing the trees and anyone who independently raises them is breaking the law (i know)
so he’d ask people “do you have a permit for these trees?” and they were like “uh no, it’s just a tree someone sold me, i think it looks nice, are you gonna arrest me?” so he’d be like “nah nah nah just tell me who sold it to you”
eventually, months/years later, someone did, and turns out it was like this underground sort-of illegal tree dealing club (i know). so my prof went, got a bit of funding from the government, who were getting pissed at independent cucumber tree numbers, and THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTO THE GOOD SHIT I STG.
he infiltrates the tree trafficking organization. he buys a cucumber tree from an independent nursery, raises it for months, ensures he gets noticed by the traffickers, and then INFILTRATES it and convinces its leader to LET HIM JOIN. he has to pay like a steep entrance fee, which he does (and it blows my mind that the government of my country paid money to illegal tree dealers), but then he is given full access to records and maps because they think he’s one of them, not a SECRET AGENT.
now this part blows my mind because the tree lords don’t even have to try very hard to find cucumber trees because government agents MARK THE TREES AND DISTINCTLY TAG THEM SAYING THIS IS ENDANGERED DO NOT TOUCH. so, ya know…………. it’s a bit obvious. my prof hangs out with the members so much that he figures out their “hit spots”. these are where the trees are relatively secluded and unguarded. (he writes all this shit and numbers down for his research.)
BUT THATS NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE THE GOVT SAYS HES WASTING THEIR FUNDING IF HE DOESNT HAVE PROOF and they are willing to take LEGAL ACTION for misuse of funding (my prof doesn’t have the money nore time nor power to take them to court, which would also blow his cover). so my prof literally STAKES OUT a copse of cucumber trees at a recognized wildlife reserve for. DAYS. he camps there, and watches the trees, is about to give up, he’s going off an unreliable rumor from the traffickers that a harvester would be going there within the next week. finally, this guy comes and takes the cucumber tree seeds from the CLEARLY MARKED trees by the government, and my prof takes pictures (we are shown these pictures, most of us are speechless at this point). dozens of candid shots of a man my grandpa’s age with a grocery store bag, garden shears, and a ladder, clipping away the illegal seeds and then going on his merry fucking way.
so my prof has the proof, he’s been undercover for months now at this point, he writes up his report, gives it to the government who is like…….. “oh shit”, helps them draft up a new LESS COMPLETELY FUCKING OBVIOUS way of marking endangered trees (so that way non-tree-lovers wouldn’t damage them further, etc.), and then never returns to the tree traffickers. he’d given them a fake name, address, everything….. he disappears.
…there was a full minute of stunned silence from us students at this point, during which he grew more and more nervous (again, he’s a muffin) and all of us students are just like……. “whoa.” we asked him what happened to the remaining illegal cucumber trees & if he turned the tree dealers in to the government, and that is when he smiles a little bit and shows us the last few pictures. because here’s the kicker… he never turned the smugglers in. he burned all the data he collected, defied the government pressuring him to turn them in, and the only reason he’s not incarcerated is because his work is so prominent in certain circles now & universities love him, that there would be an uproar if he got arrested. he’s like a fucking anti-hero and then he tells us (i’ll never forget, it’s the most inspirational green-thumb thing in the world) “it may be ‘illegal’, but those who risk their liberty to ~save the world~ should never be reprimanded, no matter what those in power say.”
we are all stunned. some of us are considering dendrology as a field we’d now be interested in pursuing. he clicks his slide one final time, before we leave our last lecture and, since he had an asthma attack (lil muffin) he didn’t attend our exam, so i never see him again…………
and there, on the slides, the last picture? THERE HE IS. in his own backyard. with his equally lovely TA wife. both grinning innocently, standing underneath a……. FUCKING. FULL GROWN. ILLEGAL. CUCUMBER TREE.
Being portuguese is still drinking hot ass coffee under the blistering 40ºC sun as you curse at God to let Him know not even He can intimidate you
I feel undefeatable
this one time was 45º and my friend got a hot as hell espresso and I asked her ‘do you want me to get you an ice cube to put in there?’ and she looked me in the eye and said ‘it’s not real if it’s not hot’ and chugged that bad boy down and that’s real big chorizo energy
this is the rawest tag I have ever read on this website
The Portuguese and the Neapolitan have a lot in common
Lolol that’s my family with tea. It could be scorching hot outside but the first thing my parents will ask you when you come to our house is “Milk tea or red tea?”
One time some guests (of different ethnicity) were so baffled when they heard the question and said, “we don’t mind iced tea?” And my parents gave them this look of what-are-you-talking-about
1. When Alyssa is sitting at the lunch table surrounded by people on their phones and when the girl across from her texts her rather than just speak to her so Alyssa smashes her own phone because that was relatable and not an exaggeration
2. “We’re dealing with a really broad spectrum these days”
3. When they first get on the run and they go play lazertag and James is like “ironically, I wasn’t in my element” because that was gold
4. Not long after when they’re eating and they realize that they don’t have any money because Alyssa spent it all on lazertag and she’s like “I didn’t have to pay for you, I was being fucking polite actually” and then when she suggests they dine and dash and James just gets up and Alyssa just looks at him like “shit” because that’s not a fucking James™️ move, that’s an Alyssa™️ move, and she’s impressed af
5. When they broke into that guy’s house and made themselves a meal and Alyssa is like “better do the washing up” and drops their plates in the pool
6. When Alyssa is talking about how she might just become an alcoholic so she’d always have something to do
7. When they’re dancing with their eyes closed because James is embarrased and Alyssa stops and watches him and says in her mind “I think he’s properly beautiful” and he kisses her for the first time. Because in my opinion, that scene is what convinced me that James is an actual fucking person
8. When James picks the flowers for Alyssa because he’s sorry for not wanting to have sex yet and she comes in with another guy and she tells James that she’s going to go have sex with this new guy and James is just standing there with the flowers and has the realization that Alyssa is the first person to actually make him feel
9. When Alyssa is talking about how quickly sex becomes a punishment if it isn’t consensual because yes
10. When Topher comes downstairs yelling at James about how Alyssa is a bitch and a tease and James is just sitting there smug af like “I’ll tell her” because I laughed too hard
11. When James respected Alyssa not wanting to see him so he waited outside of her door reading. Then when he came in and didn’t even get in bed with her, he laid on the floor and held her hand.
12. When James is talking about how calm Alyssa is but it flashes to her and she’s just like “fuck fuck fuck”
13. When Alyssa turns icy af when James shows her the pictures of what that man did to those women and she’s like, don’t even bother cleaning up because he fucking deserved to die
14. When Alyssa gets her period because relatable + when that security guard lets her go
15. When James pays someone to beat him up and he realizes that he was never protecting Alyssa but Alyssa was protecting him
16. When James realizes that he isn’t a psychopath
17. When Alyssa comes back for James and that French love song is playing and they hold hands in the diner
18. FRODO
19. Eunice, the kickass sweetheart lesbian cop
20. When James couldn’t kill the dog so Alyssa does it and she hugs him
21. The beach scene because I can’t get over how much these two respect each other
22. When James asks Leslie why he’s such a prick and Alyssa thinks “God I love him so much”
23. “Shut the fuck up. Stop quoting yourself.”
24. “I’ve just turned 18 and I think I understand what people mean to each other” I was sobbing
am I supposed to know where the bathroom is on this train or is it socially acceptable to just wander up and down until I stumble onto it
holy shit these two women got up awhile back and I assumed they were going to pee and I could ask them where the bathroom was when they got back, but they came back to their seats with four beers so I think??? maybe they weren’t peeing??
Bathrooms will be on the lower level, probably in the last car on the train or in whichever car has the cafe.
very cool, very good to know, I’ve already held it for three hours and I’m not quitting now
lads as I was exiting the train I discovered there was a bathroom at the back of my car a 10 second walk from my seat the entire time so I think I’m just gonna go to bed now lmao
A tragedy ghost written by John Mulaney everybody
actually we have the same ghost writer, it’s anxiety
sparksoffandommagic 