Harry Potter and How the Scene Should Have Gone

hotboyproblems:

Umbridge: Mr. Potter, do you expect to be attacked in my class?

Harry: Yes.

Umbridge: What?

Harry: Well, I mean, I’m running four for four.

Umbridge: Mr. Potter-

Harry: Quirrel tried to choke me out.

Umbridge: Mr. Potter-

Harry: And Lockhart tried to wipe my memory.

Umbridge: Mr. Potter-

Harry: Of course, Professor Lupin didn’t mean it. He just forgot his potion, but still, totally went werewolf on me.

Umbridge: MR. POTTER-

Harry: And then Moody turned out to be an escaped Death Eater in disguise.

Umbridge: POTTER!

Harry: So, yeah, I figure it’s 100% you’ll attack me in June, 50/50 you’ll try to kill me, with a 25% chance of an Unforgivable curse.

Harry: (Turns to Hermione)

Harry: Did I get the math right?

Hermione: Yes.

pluckyredhead:

Content creators: It’s really hard to write a woman who is “unlikeable” (I.e., not sweet) without making her a villain.

Me: The Secret Garden was published in 1910. The book and its multiple adaptations are widely considered to be a common childhood staple. “The Secret Garden”‘a working title was “Mistress Mary,” a reference to the nursery rhyme “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,” because the protagonist is an aggressive, selfish girl who saves her family by screaming that they’re full of shit when everyone else was too polite to do so.

residesatshamecentral:

groot-scamander:

troublesomegay:

spontaneousmusicalnumber:

fox-smulders:

STUART SEMPLE FOUND THE PINK NARC.

God this is the greatest art feud of our time.

Read the conditions of settlement. It’s gold.

Captioned because even I’m having trouble reading this:

[A screenshot from snapchat of a document that is cut off on the extreme edges, erasing the first and last two or three letters from each line. Doing my best to correctly transcribe]

Breach of terms of service: culturehustle.com
Illegal acquisition on behalf of Anish Kapoor of the World’s Pinkest Pink

Dear Sirs,

I am aware that you represent Mr. Anish Kapoor, and I write today not to dob him in so that you can tell him off but rather to try and resolve this matter. Unlike Kapoor I am not one to ‘point the finger’ however on this occasion it has become important to do so. 

I hold your gallery in the highest esteem, I am a fan of several of your artists, but on this occasion you have been extremely naughty. You have been part of a conspiracy to obtain my PINK and provide Mr. Kapoor with it.

We have now finished fully researching this situation and it has come to your attention that you have been part of a conspiracy to obtain my PINK and provide Mr. Kapoor with it enabling him to exploit the substance against my wishes. Further, this juvenile behavior made much of the wider artistic community sad thanks to his extremely petty and childish post on Instagram. 

The terms of service on my site CultureHustle.com are incredibly clear:
Quote: By adding this product to your cart you agree that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated with Anish Kapoor, you are not purchasing this item on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this product will not make its way into that hands of Anish Kapoor. 

In direct violation to the above, on 10th of December 2016 a person by the name of Mr [Blanked out] placed an order via the culturehustle.com website, for one jar of PINK at 5:36 am. This order was placed on behalf of your gallery and was delivered to the Lisson Gallery in London at 11:38 am on the 13th of December. Shortly after which your gallery provided Mr. Kapoor with the substance and on the 23rd of December 2016 Mr. Kapoor posted a photograph on Instagram showing he was indeed in possession of the substance, he also included the caption ‘Up Yours’. The comments on this post clearly demonstrate the negative impact such a gesture has had upon a wide community. He needs to say sorry for hurting everyone’s feelings.

I remind you, hoarding colours and stealing other people’s colours without asking nicely isn’t big -rd it’s simply bad. 

I said I think it would be best to resolve this matter amicably without this silly business escalating any further. However, if we are unable to resolve this in a timely and grown up way I am fully prepared to take further action which will no doubt become stressful and expensive. 

Therefore I would appreciate it if:
1. Your gallery would say sorry for giving my pink to Mr. Kapoor. 
2. Mr. Kapoor would give me my pink back. I don’t want him to have it. 
3. He will write 100 times, ‘I will be nice, I will share my colours’ and he will post the same to his Instagram.

Failing the above, an agreeable settlement would also be:
1. The reimbursement of $3.99 (the cost of PINK minus shipping)
2. And Mr. Kapoor to void his exclusive agreement to the use of Vanta Black in art.

If you were to settle as above I will be more than happy to share all my colours with him, so he doesn’t feel left out and can join in with the rest of us.

I look forward to resolving this matter. 

Yours,

Stuart Semple

Thank you for captioning this! I’d seen it before but never been able to read it.

Alright this is hilarious because

  1. Since they broke contract, he can sue them
  2. To avoid getting sued, they need to humilate themselves publicly AND convince Kapoor to do likewise
  3. If they don’t want to humiliate themselves and avoid getting sued, they need to convince Kapoor to give up his color copyright

Stuart Semple everybody!

katterbox:

azshara:

cryoverkiltmilk:

comicgeekscomicgeek:

liquidlyrium:

hijabby:

hobbitsaarebas:

osunism:

kofangel:

aveanexalea:

She has been blessed by the gods of lifting. May her gains be forever yuge.

Boi i was not ready

@smashcut

she lets them feel her biceps

Game developers please take notes: when you allow for ‘muscular’ options for women, please give us arms that are at least this size! Not that dainty shit you keep pawning off on us.

…yeah, there’s something kinda hot about a woman who could rip you in half.

You can see the gay panic setting in on the one with the black skirt after she feels the bicep.

b/c i’ve never seen this post with her name in it i’m going to add it here.

Her name is Yeon-Woo Jhi and she won the Arnold Classic Europe in 2013.

@mcpippypants

captain-lovelace:

Listen. Listen. Doug Eiffel is not a stupid man, but he is a moron. What do I mean by this, you ask? I mean that he is the kind of person who can figure out how to survive for months on end in a shuttle with extremely limited food and water by cryogenically freezing himself every day and sending distress signals and using the only functioning engine a little bit at a time, but is also the kind of person who sees nothing wrong with smoking a cigarette on a space station. When I say Doug Eiffel is an idiot, I do not mean he is stupid, I mean that even if the man had a shred of common sense at one point he probably used it to make a tiny paper airplane and threw it at someone in a position of authority. Doug Eiffel is prime moron representation. A true fool.