Remember Brandy? No? She was a big deal in the 90s because SHE’S WONDERFUL
She’s so sweet and wide-eyed and beautiful and strong and curious and exactly what Cinderella should be
She’s the QUEEN of back-handed insults
She also takes NO SHIT from bros
This movie is so fucking COLORFUL (and I don’t even mean the casting -we’ll get to that) – like, they just use every fucking color that is visible to the human eye and splatter them over the sets and costumes and it’s GREAT
WHITNEY HOUSTON IS THE MOTHERFUCKING FAIRY GODMOTHER
WHITNEY HOUSTON
THE START AND END OF THIS MOVIE IS JUST WHITNEY HOUSTON FLOATING THROUGH THE AIR SINGING AT THE CAMERA
Rodgers and Hammerstein’s music is re-orchestrated to have this weird 90s pop/R&B twinge (so many synths) and it’s so bizarre but also really wonderful?
Just in general, the orchestrations are amazing – they clearly spent half their budget on the orchestra
They clearly didn’t spend much money on the set – I’m pretty sure they filmed the whole movie on a disused part of Disneyland but it’s perfect.
OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT COLOR BLIND CASTING
THIS IS LITERALLY THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF COLOR BLIND CASTING – NOT ONLY DID THEY MAKE A DIVERSE CAST BUT THE CASTING LITERALLY MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE AND IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THERE IS NO RACISM IN FAIRYTALE LAND
The King & Queen are Whoopi Goldberg and Victor Garber and they have an ASIAN SON
Like, THESE TWO PEOPLE PRODUCED THIS GODLIKE KEN DOLL OF A PERSON (it makes zero genetic sense and is my favorite thing about this movie)
Seriously, who is this guy and where do I get one?
This actor, Paolo Montalban, was basically never in anything else which is a fucking CRIME because he is BEAUTIFUL and a WONDERFUL SINGER
Speaking of wonderful singers, Bernadette Peters is the step-mother. That’s right, Broadway superstar, Sondheim’s muse herself, Bernadette Peters.
And for no other reason than being Bernadette Peters, she sings “Falling in Love with Love” which isn’t even from this fucking musical (though it is R&H’s) and dramatically swoons onto couches
She also has one white daughter and one black daughter and they are both terrible and perfect
What even is the wallpaper in this movie? Seriously, pay attention to the wallpaper.
And the costumes in the movie. Especially during the ball when the dresses all go swoosh!
Inexplicably, George Costanza is the prince’s servant and has a completely random and bizarre accent.
“I wish there was something between us: a continent” is the greatest rejection line ever
This movie is genuinely funny at times. All the actors are too good to get bogged down by cheesy dialogue
Ugh, that scene in the garden. I s2g, this was the most romantic thing to me when I was 8
Seriously, this prince is the dreamiest prince you’ve ever seen
Oh man, the special effects are so bad.
Whitney Houston singing and floating away into the aether is maybe my favorite film ending of all time
IN CONCLUSION: WATCH THIS FUCKING MOVIE. IT IS A FUCKING DELIGHT.
I fully support this review and everything it represents but I also have to add
Back to the stepsisters real fast
– Minerva is self-described as a ‘solid gal’
-Calliope tends to look constantly shocked
-NEITHER is ever made fun of for their looks
– When Stepmother picks at their flaws it is never about weight or ‘needing to smile’
– No their flaws are in their personalities and that’s what Stepmother goes after
– She even describes Minerva as ‘strong as an ox” as a reason the prince SHOULD want her over some other girl
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