How I Teach Men Not To Talk Over Me: from one feminist to another, when basic respect is lagging and conversations are impossible
I’ve done this to several men, and they catch on rather quickly. You’ll be able to have a conversation right then and there, and it works long term too – they might’ve forgot their manners by the time you talk to them again, but by repeating this, they’ll eventually learn to let you talk without you having to do this at the start of every convo. Source: I have a very stubborn older brother, who eventually learned too.
1. When they interrupt you, stop talking. Don’t try to raise your voice or battle them. Be completely quiet and wait.
2. Ignore everything they’re saying. Do not actually listen – just wait until they shut up. Don’t make a point of anything they say, do not answer to anything they say, do not refer to anything they say here. Literally do not listen a single word. Let them rant as long as they want.
3. When they finally shut up and wait for your reaction, say: ”I wasn’t done talking.”
4. Start over whatever you were saying when they interrupted you. I don’t care if it was a 10-minute explanation of rocket science. Start. Over. Repeat you original thought, but do not add anything related to what they just said while talking over you. That gives them the idea that it’s okay to interrupt you, you’ll still listen and pay attention and they’ll get their point clear without having to listen to yours. (It’s especially funny when you get done and they expect you to keep going talking about whatever they talked over you. The face when it sinks in that you didn’t listen a single word is glorious.)
5. If they interrupt you again, return to step 1. If you find yourself repeating the cycle over 3 times, tell them: ”you’re not letting me speak. Either you listen and wait for your turn, or our conversation ends here.” If they try to make excuses, laugh it off or keep interrupting, end the conversation. Prove them that if they wont let you speak, they’re not worth your time.
Why does this work? First, because sometimes talking over is internalized and men don’t actually notice they’re doing it. Being vocally called out makes them realize it and pay attention to it – especially if it happens more than once. Secondly, by refusing to aknowledge anything they say when they interrupt you, they’ll soon realize they will not get their own point across if they keep doing that. Peoole and especially men have the need to be heard and paid attention to when they talk – when you make it clear that by talking over you, they will not have your attention, they’ll learn to wait until you’re done, because they know that’s when you will be paying attention and actually listening.
Go my darlings. Have some actual conversations where your point of view is just as valid as his. Demand the basic respect of being heard. You can actually have some interesting conversations with men when they’re forced to listen too, when being louder is not going to make them feel like they’re dominating the conversation or winning the argument.
This is gonna be fun.
Honestly girls, do that to me, because I sure don’t wanna catch myself doing that
When you’re so steeped in your sexist rhetoric that you genuinely believe interrupting others is a male trait and not a universal behavioral issue shared by men and women alike, and that it’s also an extremely common symptom of attention disorders and social communication disorders.
Like I’m not proud to admit this but for the sake of proving a point– I interrupt people all the fucking time and I frequently do not catch myself. I often interrupt repeatedly, even after I’ve realized I’m doing it. I have a tendency to finish people’s sentences for them, and I often stop listening to others because I’m thinking about what I want to say instead. Being reprimanded only suppresses the behavior for a short period of time, usually not longer than 10 minutes.
It’s not because I’m a man who grew up thinking my voice was more important than women’s voices or whatever the fuck they’re indoctrinating you to believe. I’m not a man at all; I’m a woman. I have ADHD. And I literally cannot help the fact that I interrupt people. I am aware that I do it, I am aware that I shouldn’t. I am embarrassed about it and I am frustrated with myself that it’s such a struggle for me even with my medication. None of that means anything to my brain.
If you were to exercise your method on me, no matter how many times you did it, I would not suddenly develop the ability to hold my tongue and pay attention to you. Instead, you would be angry and I would be absolutely humiliated that someone shamed me for struggling with a symptom of my ADHD.
And let me tell you, since you obviously have never experienced this unique type of embarrassment in your life: you have absolutely no idea how humiliating it is to be socially punished for being unable to control symptoms of your disorder. It is by far one of the most disgusting feelings I have ever experienced and the one that has led me to the most panic attacks.
“But you have a disorder, so that’s different.”
No it’s not. Thirteen percent of men will be diagnosed with ADHD in their lifetime (as opposed to ~5% of women, many of whom do not have pronounced impulsivity like I do). Thirteen. Percent. That’s almost as high as the percentage of black people in America (men and women, ~14%). Think about that. Think about how many black people you see in your daily life. Assuming you live in a relatively representative area, you see almost as many (diagnosed) ADHD men as you see black people total. The difference is that you can’t tell if someone has ADHD just by looking at them.
(And ADHD isn’t the only disorder that causes people to be verbally impulsive, by the way. It’s also a symptom of ASD and OCD, among others. In many cases, you cannot see these disorders.)
Are there men out there who interrupt because they have an inflated sense of self-importance and/or believe on some level that women’s voices are less important? Sure, of course there are. But there are plenty of women who do the same. And there is a substantial percentage of men who interrupt because they have a neurological disorder that you cannot see.
So instead of acting like this is some sort of systemic oppression that requires a blanket feminist approach, why don’t you try treating the men who interrupt frequently as individuals who may have a disorder you don’t know about? Instead of potentially humiliating a person who cannot help his verbal impulses, why don’t you try being compassionate instead? You can be the difference between that man going home and having a breakdown over how he still can’t control his symptoms, and that man going home feeling relieved that he was able to get through the day without fucking up.
“What, so I’m supposed to just let people talk over me?”
No. I’m not saying that at all. You shouldn’t let someone get away with repeated interruptions. What I’m saying is that your approach is unnecessarily rude and ableist.
What I’m saying is that there are gentler, more effective ways to curb this behavior. For example, if you notice a person interrupting, you can politely say “I wasn’t done yet” or “Can I finish my thought please?” or even “I appreciate your input, but could you please let me finish?” You can also give body language cues, such as holding up a finger to stop the person and then following up with one of the aforementioned statements. If the person really isn’t taking the hint, you can just keep talking until they shut up. If the person apologizes for interrupting but continues to do so, and if you’re close enough, you can give them a gentle nudge on the arm to remind them to wait their turn.
Really, there are a lot of things you can do that are far more effective and respectable than embarrassing someone and taking pleasure in doing so.
I guarantee your conversations will be a lot more amicable in the long run if you exercise patience and compassion instead of acting like you have something to prove.
OP’s Guide to Being a Passive-Aggressive Bitch.
I’ve also noticed the people that do it do it to everyone.
If anyone treats you like the OP, just get up and walk away. They’re not recognizing you as an equal human being but rather as some fantasy ‘male oppressor’ they need to ‘teach a lesson’. No conversation or even human connection can happen under those circumstances so just get out and walk away.
I can’t be the only one who finds it extremely uncomfortable that she’s talking about “training a man“ as though he were a fucking dog.
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