okay, so, I love all the posts that run off the assumption that humans are the most ridiculous sapient species in the galaxy
but what if it’s just the other way around
what if humans are notoriously straitlaced and obsessed with protocol. the bureaucrats of the stars.
which is obviously something we would constantly try to complain about and disprove only for some Alpha Centaurian to be like “Captain, your species formalized spirituality, repeatedly, and a recurring theme therein is that the heavens themselves are run as a bureaucracy. Even your rebellions and revolutions are meticulously planned.”
it’s not a bad thing, per se, to have a human on your team — analytical minds, good diplomats (if only because one human etiquette system can be more complex and even contradictory than the vastly varied customs of an entire species) — but be prepared for them to call attention to moral quandaries and loopholes that never would have occurred to you.
and speaking of loopholes, do be careful, because the only thing worse than a human armed with an ironclad system of rules is a human who’s found a gaping hole in them.
“You’re telling me there was a mass movement to name a boat something dumb as a joke?”
“First of all, it wasn’t a mass movement, and second of all, the boat was by no means the first time nor the last.”
“…Exactly how much of Earth comedy is based on incongruous branding?”
Hear me out here: Humans as both.
Like most sapient species assume the above; humans are straitlaced, meticulous, and methodical. They follow strict rules which dictate their social interactions and even a slight variation is considered taboo. They are the quintessential bureaucrats.
Except when they’re not.
We’ve talked about humans method of scientific exploration and advancement involving a ridiculous amount of danger for all parties involved. But, ya know, we write it all down in a very orderly manner and get published and peer reviewed. And then other humans copy the incredibly dangerous experiment to see what happens for themselves.
Humans survived the volatile early years of their species rise through community-bonding. They put the needs of a group of individuals over all else; hunting as a group, eating as a group, raising families as a group, and sometimes dying as a group. This tendency to form strong bonds means that while a human’s signed contract can always be trusted. It also means that a human cannot be trusted to not rip that contract up and say “Fuck it” if an individual with whom they have a community-bond is in danger. Other species are baffled to discover that the individual in question need not be human, or even sapient. Stories of humans who have defended what would normally be considered prey animals by other omnivorous species, of humans who have killed to defend their non-human crew mates, even one story (surely just a story, it can’t be true) of an entire crew of humans who elevated a simple non-sapient cleaning bot to officer’s rank and threatened rebellion if it was decommissioned.
So, sure, humans are logical and awfully organized for such a diverse species. They make phenomenal bureaucrats and politicians. They’re highly sought after as strategists and advisors to royalty the galaxy over.
But, they’re also appear to take great pleasure in looking the rules dead in the eyes and very deliberately thumbing their nose as those rules. Because, the rules (and logic) say you probably shouldn’t jump off a cliff into unknown waters and humans have made multiple sports based entirely off that concept.
as an individual: logical, organized
as a species: hold my beer
I love that Stabby the robot has become part of the Canon of “human interaction with aliens”.
that’s the whole story with humans, you never know what you’re getting.
You think you’re taking on board a thoughtful rules and regs talker with no claws, fangs, horns or venom – only to discover under specific circumstances several years into your trip that your human is capable of living on nothing but salt and water for 40 days, of adapting to a life of hiding in the ships ventilation shafts, only coming out to steal supplies and make savage berserker attacks with surprisingly brutal hand-crafted weapons; capable of doing surgery on ITSELF to keep stay alive. Your crew takes some time off and you discover that your safety officer is willing to tie a stretchy rope to it’s leg and leap into an abyss for FUN. That your logical, analytical human likes to poison itself, y’know, just a little, for RECREATION. That your human can stay cool and collected for ten years and still explode at the drop of a hat.
”yeah, all calm and diplomatic for more than 2 home-star cycles, then one night we’re sitting across from a group with another human, keeps looking at our human, our human acts like it doesn’t notice. Halfway through the meal our human looks over and says “Can I help you?” and the other human just says, “No, I received all the help I need from your birther the night before this” and it took nine of us to pull them apart. They both wound up in the infirmary, there were cracked bones, stitches… I ran it through the translators three times, I have no idea; our human would only say they knew each other. Hormone readings off the chart – personally, I think it was some kind of mating behavior.”
Conversely, as an alien with a species of monsters to conquer, you hear of a planet where the inhabitants will leap naked into the ocean to kill a beast the size of an entire surface lander with a stick, and they punch holes in themselves for fashion. So you hire on a crew of these thrill-seeking murderous savages and sic them on your monster enemies only to discover that they’ve established communications with the monsters, befriended them, and are, in fact, now back to insist you cease all violent actions and that you owe the monsters for damages to their planet.
“Hey uh, Boss, so, yeah. We noticed they were having a drink, and we thought, flay-hook appendages or no, anybody who enjoys a good drink can’t be all bad… and before you know it, we’re getting drunk with a platoon of Flesh-flayers (they prefer to be called the Zygothi, by the way). The local stuff tastes like windex and farts, but boy does it get your buzz on! Long story short, though, you gotta stop killing stuff and go away. You know those things with all the legs and teeth you’ve been so frightened of are just their pets? They’re actually kind of cute as long as they’ve eaten recently.
Anyway, turns out you’re in violation of several of this star system’s regulations. Plus, you destroyed a communication probe and attacked an in-system moon ferry, damages were sustained to sensitive ecosystems at your landing sites… We gave what you paid us to the families of the moon ferry victims, and volunteered to stay and see that you follow proper exit procedures. Oh, and we’re going to need you to sign this receipt of the cease and desist declaration, this copy of the bill – here, this copy is yours – and this agreement for an immediate cease contact which you’ll notice has an exclusion for payment communications you’ll have to initial, here, and again here.”Humans are every alignment, on a single 9-sided die. Good luck aliens
See the human. See the human bond. See the human make rules. See the human break them left, right, and center.
#WHY IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH CONFUSING HYPOTHETICAL ALIENS??#why am I obsessed with confusing hypothetical aliens? (via @praise-the-lord-im-dead)
EXCELLENT QUESTION and this post exhibits why so nicely I was thinking about it even before I read your tags – because this is science fiction at its finest: put human nature down in front of a spectacular, unfamiliar backdrop with a character who can function alternately as chorus, straight man, interlocutor, devil’s advocate, or wingman, and suddenly we can see ourselves clearly, in all our messy, contradictory glory. We love ourselves, we love getting to know ourselves, and there’s no better way to do that than put Kirk and Spock together on an alien planet and give them a fight and a few minutes to talk between blows.
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