William I: the first step to becoming a Millionaire is to acquire one hundred dollars
William II Rufus: I shoudl not be expected to put my knee on the ground to propose to a woman, the same ground where the animals shit,
Henry I: i just left an enormous pile of vomit behind golds gym for all of you abominable pig clowns to pick at #blackfridaydeals
Stephen: turning my headlights off when driving at night,.. so that my Rivals cannot see me
Matilda: Have you ever wanted to click X on a bastard
Henry II: someone please get me in touch with the little boy who died & went to heaven. i want to astral project him into my ex-wifes castle for intel
Richard I: the crusaders fire ballistas into my throbbing diaper- unlesashing a torrent of mustard yellow shit and poisoning the entire village
John: me: nobody has to get owned today. please, please put down the keyboard and step back 9 year old child: Fuck oyu
Henry III: i ruminate over a scrapbook full of middle finger pics to keep myself demure, respectful and humble. “i deserve these”, i utter shitheadedly
Edward I: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned Compilation
Edward II: looks like im forced to address false rumors that i own 3 dildos on a shelf labelled “breakfast” “lunch” & “dinner”. this is an absurdity .
Edward III: AAUh..!! Yeah. Lets all gang up on the guy who gives his children Steroids, just because he has a different opinion. Fucking idiots.
Richard II: i rise; spreading my arms, exuding fluorescent spheres of energy, each representing an Unfollower, Cuasing me a great deal of pain,Screaming
Henry IV: my son has been combing his hair without permission. how do i cope with the pain
Henry V: spend a lot of time thinking about how sometimes even war criminals can be heroes sometimes… Dont like it? Click the unfollow buttobn
Henry VI: ive started bowing my head and saying grace before reading each post on here… “thank you.” “thank you for the posts.” that sort of thing,
Edward IV: really hoping that someday my wife will surprise me by sending me a picture of my own dick
Edward V: my favorite tv show characters are “The good guys”. My least favorite characters are “The villains”
Richard III: I WILL REGRESS INTO PRIMAL FORM AND SHUN MY LOVED ONES IN ORDER TO POWER UP MY CONTENT !! I WILL GET RE-BLOGS AT ANY COST !! AT ANY COST !!
Henry VII: (sniffing a crumpled up one dollar bill i found on the floor of a dog kennel) ah.. thats greenbacks baby
Henry VIII: damn it to piss. my wife replaced all of my anti-wife reading materials with Pro-Wife bullshit
Edward VI: MYTH: my posts are for the Pauper REALITY: my posts are for the Prince
Jane Grey: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask for a single re-tweet in return i am told to fuck off, fuck myself, etc
Mary I: Priest: and the lord said, take this delicious McDonald and eat it, for it is my body and it will be given up, for you Me: Insanley badass.
Elizabeth I: “This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender,” i holler as i overturn my uncle’s barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
James I: ill never rinse my farm fresh vegetables. its the responsibility of the greengrocer to rinse my God damn food and if i get poisoned so be it
Charles I: i can only hope that when a kangaroo court of dipshits comes to haul me to prison that i have the grace and humility not to get mad at them
Oliver Cromwell: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin
Charles II: dont worry ladies, im not one of those”Bros” who talks to girls about sex stuff. anyway, i have an entire bra stuffed in my mouth right now,
James II: please bring your rats to the new castle flea market so I may bless/heal them. ill be sitting in a lawn chair wearing a stolen priest outfit
William III/Mary II: *slams king james holy bible shut on a piece of pepperoni with mayo and onions stickin out * And that is how u make a truth sandwich
Anne: I TAKE BACK EVERY NICE THING I’VE SAID ABOUT GIRLS ON HERE! SHALLOW AND CRUEL! HEART LESS DEVILS! MANIPULATING MY POSTS & TRICKING ME
George I: my work day consists of my bosses trying to goad me into my cubicle so that i’ll just sit in there & jack off isntead of ruining the company
George II: i warnned you all that bad things would happen if you kept letting your wives wear jeans. AND NOW LOOK! the damn gas prices are up again
George III: i enjoy a bit of “Humour” every now and then, but people seriously need to sotp tying me to a chair and injecting me with unknown substances
George IV: i hope to one day eat 10’000 calories a day
William IV: i want to take one of those cruises where people shit right there on the boat but apparently they only happen randomly as a surpris,e
Victoria: i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and Nice manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT
Edward VII: im not horny but, lets face the facts people… if youre a girl im gonna click on ya
George V: people pay good money to stamp your mail. if you refuse to take the time to thoroughly digest every piece of mail you receive, you are a Cur
Edward VIII: Q: If your post was proven by a counsil of wise men to be racist, or bullshit, would you bar it from the record? A: I do not delete my posts
George VI: unfollow me if you hav e ever done or thought about doing war crimes. i dont want war criminals shitting my feed up
Elizabeth II: YOUTUBE VID “GRANDMA FUCKS UP” FINALLY HAS 1,000 VIEWS. TIME TO ROLL OUT THE “GRANDMA FUCKS UP” MERCH AND QUIT MY JOB AS A TOWEL INSPECTOR
sparksoffandommagic 