jack: please don’t, s’il vous plaît. first, he is a sad french-canadian man who just wants to kiss his boyfriend and play hockey…let jacques live his life. second, his ass is so big and powerful all he’d have to do is to sit on you and you’d die – either from being touched by something so overwhelmingly magnificent or just from the sheer magnitude…….it’s up for debate. either way, it’d end badly for both parties. leave him olone.
holster: his size is reason enough to stay away. if you must engage, have some fun memes or good television references in your back pocket so you can distract him if necessary. loudly singing the 30 rock theme song has been known to be effective.
ransom: you’ll start to fight him but then he’ll flash a smile or you’ll get a glimpse of that bicep and wham bam thank you ma’am you’re down for the count. honestly do it, though. losing to him is worth it.
bitty: the phrase “looks like a cinnamon roll, but could actually kill you” was written with eric richard “dicky” “bitty” bittle jr in mind. steer clear. there’s a 1000000% chance you’ll get your ass handed to you in the most delicious blueberry pie you’ve ever tasted. avoid fighting at all costs.
shitty: no. don’t do this. his chaotic neutral ass is too unpredictable to be someone you should consider fighting. best case scenario: it ends with the both of you getting high and discussing the homoeroticism surrounding physical fighting as a sport. at worst, you literally end up in the morgue because he decided to pull out his knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife knife sword and just fucking go to town.
lardo: you’ll get your ass kicked, but, God, it’ll be the best moment of your entire life. 1000/10 definitely recommend.
nursey: definitely fight him. he’s so clumsy he’d probably trip over his own feet or maybe even just straight up punch himself in the face. you’re pretty much guaranteed a win. go for it, padawan.
dex: look i know you want to fight him. i understand. but, honestly, you’d only be giving him what he wants. look at him. he’s a ginger fury fist tornado waiting to explode. i know he’s only 18 and insecure af so he seems like an easy target but don’t forget he’s 6′2″ and he’s spent those brief 18 years storing up rage and internalized hatred and he’s just looking for someone to piss him off. do not fight.
chowder: why. how dare you. no.
johnson: what the fu- what the fuck would possess you to do this. no. he’d know your every move before it’d even enter your head. he’d let you get a punch in “to boost up your confidence – it makes the fight more dramatic!” and while you’re trying to figure out what the fuck he just said and what it means he’s kicking your ass to the moon and back. get wrekt fucker. *cue airhorn sounds*
who should you fight: smh edition
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